When Fran proposed to me on my 29th birthday (May 18th), I knew immediately that I wanted to elope less than 30 days later on June 16th: Bloomsday.
We took a course on Ulysses together at George Mason University and had fond memories visiting the historical sites associated with the novel during trips to Dublin in 1999 and 2000.
I’ve got to write more about the other ways I’ve incorporated James Joyce into my personal life, most importantly in the naming of my children!
Here’s my new mantra to calm some of the anxiety I experience before interviews:
“I have no one to please and nothing to prove. I don’t even know if I want this job yet!”
I found this quote after googling “I hate interviews will i ever get a job”. Seriously.
The article, which includes tips on overcoming interview anxiety, stated the obvious:
“A job interview is a very artificial situation.“
Perhaps the key to improving the interviewing process is taking steps to encourage a more authentic conversation rather than to have a static test.
Having endured nearly 100 interviews over the past year, I know that the best ones happen when the script is ditched and real personalities are revealed.
I strongly believe that if you have a set list of questions you want to ask prospective employees during an interview then include that as part of the application process.
Requiring applicants to answer specific questions when submitting a resume helps both you and the applicant by weeding out those who are blinding submitting generic cover letters to dozens of employers (full disclosure, I’ve been guilty of this!).
It’s immeasurably helpful for me to understand exactly what a company wants when they put the extra effort into creating a more equitable process for hiring. I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating.
I plan to examine more lessons learned from my own experiences, but in the meantime, here are some useful resources I’ve found online.
Just tell candidates what you’re going to ask ahead of time.
It's time to make transparent interviews the new normal.
TIPS ON OVERCOMING INTERVIEW ANXIETY
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS TO ASK EMPLOYERS
"Conflict is an opening to recalibrate and improve a friendship, and it conveys mutual investment. Don't give up on friendships because one issue has arisen."
Marisa Franco, a psychologist and friendship expert based in Washington, DC
I've been thinking a lot about friendship: what makes it lasting and what leads to it ending. The running community has lost amazing people over the years. Some I knew (Dave Murphy) and others were before my time (Bruce Barnes) but I still feel a connection. Having met some amazing people through running, I'm so grateful for all the connections and experiences even if not all of those relationship are currently active.
Recently I came across a great article, "How to end a friendship: Should you address it directly, or simply unsubscribe?", that has helped me understand the requirements for a solid friendship and the opportunity to "REFRIEND" those who we've lost touch.
Anyone who knows me, knows I've experienced huge losses over the past two years. Some were inevitable, others unnecessarily painful. If you see a friend in need, don't just walk away. The smallest gesture of kindness could make all the difference.
"When life feels hard, approaching awkward or painful conversations often falls to the bottom of our to-do lists. But human connection is crucial; it's time to embrace the awkward, be honest, listen and dive in."
Christine Koh, former music and brain scientist turned author, podcaster, and creative director
According to researcher and author Lydia Denworth, a good friendship requires three things.
Sometimes it is the best decision to walk away from a friendship but having an honest conversation about why, although temporarily uncomfortable, will be far less painful in the long run than blocking or ghosting someone. Here's a playlist that might help get you through being dumped by a friend.
5 ways to repair a friendship (or leave it behind if toxic)
Here are five ways to repair a friendship -- or leave it behind if it's toxic.
1. Reflect and write down the good
2. Choose a different way to communicate
3. Give it time and try again
4. Shuffle the "friendship furniture"
5. Follow the red flags
Survival Of The Friendliest: How Our Close Friendships Help Us Thrive
In her new book, Lydia Denworth makes the case for the vital necessity of friendship, tracing its effects on your genes, on your brain and even on animals like sheep and fish. (NPR)
Review | How people — and animals — are biologically built for friendship
Science shows that social bonds are crucial to well-being, Lydia Denworth writes. (WashingtonPost)
Why Making Friends in Midlife Is So Hard
I thought I was done dating. But after moving across the country, I had to start again—this time, in search of platonic love. (The Atlantic)
Will you be my (work) friend? The new reality of making and keeping a work friend in the hybrid...
It's hard to make friends when you can't share gossip while grabbing a coffee. But you could be happier at work if you make the extra effort. (Fortune)
In the News
Getting the abortion pill in the mail
In some states, you can do your visit online (AKA telehealth) and get your abortion pills mailed to you. At this time, only some Planned Parenthood health centers are able to offer telehealth for the abortion pill (where the pills are mailed to you or you pick them up at your local pharmacy). The best way to learn about the services available in your area is to call your nearest Planned Parenthood health center. Below is a list of Planned Parenthood affiliates that currently offer virtual visits for the abortion pill. In order to have the pills mailed to you, you must have an address where you can receive the pills in one of the states listed below:
I think I’ve applied for at least 500 jobs (more than half of those via LinkedIn’s Easy Apply feature which makes it super quick and simple).
Although I don’t keep a record of every single job application, I do have an extensive spreadsheet with data on all of my interviews, including the rejection letters.
Since I’ve turned 50, I’ve had conversations with over 50 companies and the vast majority have sent me generic and impersonal rejection letters, often only after I followed-up asking for an update.
The more templated form letters I receive after interviews, the more I find this to be completely unacceptable and unnecessarily demoralizing.
I’m not a HR expert, but I’m a human being and I know that I share a lot about myself and my experiences in every interview. It would mean so much to me if I would receive a message referencing something positive and unique about our interaction rather than an impersonal template letter.
I strongly believe that if you meet with someone for an hour, especially if it’s more than once, there’s absolutely no excuse for a generic rejection.
I’ve actually received better rejection letters from companies that I never spoke with than I have from places I met on 2-3 separate occasions. In retrospect, I’m grateful that things didn’t work out with companies that aren’t kind in the interviewing process. It’s usually a sign of bigger human resources issues.
I believe the best systems for responding to applicants is to have an automatic email reply to all submissions that explains that they’ll only be contacted again if they are selected for an interview. It never feels good to get a rejection letter weeks or months later from a position. you never interviewed for and you almost forgot you applied.
Dear [first name],
Thank you for your interest in career opportunities with [company]. We are pleased that you have considered our organization as a potential for your future career endeavors.
Our team is currently reviewing your credentials for the [job title] opportunity and will contact you should there be an interest in discussing your qualifications further. Otherwise, your information will be kept on file for future consideration.
Again, we appreciate your interest in [company]. We wish you much success in your job search.
After my most recent rejection, I searched for resources on rejection letters to find that there are plenty of professionals who agree with me on the importance of being personal in a letter to someone you’ve met for an interview.
Here are some highlights:
Offer some positive aspects about their qualifications or interview
To leave a good impression with the candidate, choose one or two qualities that you liked about them. Describing these positive aspects can also help them better understand the strengths that they can highlight more moving forward.
Personalise the rejection letter
Too often, generic templates are sent to unsuccessful candidates where they not only sound robotic, stiff and dishonest but display a negative and poor representation of the company and recruiter.
When sending rejection letters, personalise it by mentioning something positive you noted during the interview, and make sure their name is spelled correctly; attention to detail shows you made an effort. Of course, it’s understandable that recruiters may be dealing with 50 job openings at any given time and managing hundreds of candidates waiting for a response. But try and see it like this: your candidate could one day be your client, consumer or employer.
Source: Job Adder
The Effect of Different Rejection Letters on Applicants’ Reactions
Organisations appear to pay little attention to rejection letters, considered a special form of organisational communication, despite a growing body of literature that shows they play an important role in terms of employer branding. This study aims to empirically test how applicants’ perceptions are affected by differently manipulated rejection letters. In detail, a sample of 138 rejected candidates filled in an ad hoc questionnaire on perceived selection procedure fairness and satisfaction, after receiving a rejection letter where we had manipulated time latency, the politeness formula and customisation. Results suggest that providing a timely, customised and informal notification is something agreeable, which is able to affect, above all, fairness perceptions and intention to re-apply. In detail, the time latency in giving feedback appears to affect the relationship between fairness perception and organisational recommendation and acts more as a mediator rather than an antecedent variable. Considering that providing feedback is a relatively low-cost activity that at the same time has a big impact on job applicants, our results show that organisations should be sensitive to negative feedback communication, especially in relation to response time, in order to support their employer branding.
Source: behavioral sciences
The candidate took time out of her week to prepare for your interview process, so if you were impressed by her during the interview, it could make a huge difference to let her know. Simply include one strength of hers you remembered from the interview process, like "Our team was particularly impressed with your writing skills."
To truly add value, however, you'll also want to include constructive feedback to help your candidate understand areas she can focus on improving. Take detailed notes during the interview, and when you reject your applicant, provide one or two areas of improvement. Your feedback could help her career success in the future.
Personalize your rejection
Templates make things much more manageable and assure that you address everything that you need to in each rejection. Leave sections in your templates for personalization. Mention the candidate’s name in the opening and sign the message with your own. Take ownership over the rejection, rather than just hiding behind your company’s name. If you’ve spoken with them or they’ve gone through the process, mention something from your conversation if you can. Providing personal details helps the candidate feel like they are more than just a number to you and can soften the rejection blow.
Give them feedback
A lot of companies don’t give feedback as a policy to prevent themselves from possible lawsuits. However, a little goes a long way, and you don’t have to be incredibly specific to give the candidate something of value. However, if you want to go the extra mile, tell them why you chose someone else and why they were not a good fit for the role. Good candidates will appreciate the opportunity to better themselves professionally. Plus, reading an “it’s not you, it’s us” type rejection letter can help soothe the ego hit of getting rejection after rejection. You never know, it could be the very thing that pushes them in a totally new career direction!
Spending a little time reflecting on a candidate's experience can make the jobseeker feel your decision is considered and fair. A rejection with no explanation can lead to confusion, frustration, and upset.
I’ve been thinking about my history with running and therapy a lot lately as I try to process the delay in a complaint I made against a therapist and formulate my goals for running in 2022 - ten years after my season of PRs (marathon 3:36:35, half marathon 1:40:05, ten miler 1:12:36).
Reviewing the therapy notes I went back to see if there were any clues about how my self-esteem and mental health was affected by running. I remember never being satistied with my running accomplishments and feeling like a fraud even as I became more serious about training and identified as a runner and that was demonstrated in the records.
The word “giddy” only showed up once in 1000+ sessions and it was in reference to the 2012 Cherry Blossom Ten Mile Run. It was April Fool’s Day. When I saw a finish time of 1:12:36 I almost thought it was a prank. How did I run 10 miles at a pace of 7:15/mile?!? I remember pushing myself during the race so that I could have a time comparable to a local competitor, but I don’t remember feeling like I was going to die from pushing myself. I don’t recall pain or anything bad, I just remember my perservance and pushing forward with determination in every step.
I knew before I even started running the 2022 Cherry Blossom Ten Mile Run that I’d have my slowest time ever, but I was so grateful to be there with my twin sister. We volunteered the day before at the kids race and had so much fun meeting people and giving back to the sport.
I don’t think i’ve laughed as much as I did when my twin and I started filming me dressed up in my Coney costume the day after the race. We saw a bunch of construction workers and cones near a crosswalk on the Mall and I wanted to get footage of me walking towards the Capitol. As I walked, one of the construction workers stopped me to ask, “Are you a candy corn or a traffic cone?” With pure glee and giddiness I answered, “I’m a traffic cone!” He and his buddies started to laugh and he said, “We’re going to need you to come over here. We’re short one cone.” I started to follow him and at that point the video ended because Malinda was laughing so hard.
My sister and I brought smiles to many people on our trip and that’s the greatest gift. As we walked towards the Smithsonian museums, a woman on a bike turned around to catch up to us and thank us. She recognized the Twins Run bag and thanked us for cheering in the T-Rex costume on the course. She said it was just wanted she needed to push through to the end of the race.
You know who else is giddy? The dude in this photo :)
“So, you are a sponsor of the race?”
To recognize the value of my in-kind design work as well as my contributions to digital marketing and social media, I asked to be included as a sponsor on the back of the 2022 Charlottesville Ten Miler shirt.
For 14 years, I helped the Charlottesville Track Club (CTC) with graphic and web design, marketing, and event management. For 13 years, I supported five race directors (Alice Wiggins, Mike Inge, Maria Bell, Deb Gilbert, and Nicole Brimer) with the Charlottesville Ten Miler (CTM). I’m grateful and honored to have worked closely with people who valued my ideas, creativity, dedication, passion, and time.
There aren’t enough words to describe how much it meant to me to see my “Twins Run in Our Family” logo on the backs of fellow runners as I ran this iconic race. I loved seeing the new CTC logo I designed (last year) at the top of the shirt, too!
I’ve been struggling emotionally and financially since I lost my job of 22+ years in September 2020. During the 50+ interviews I’ve had since turning 50, I've always spoken about my volunteer work in the Charlottesville running community as my proudest accomplishment.
During COVID-19 I devoted my time and talents to help Mark Lorenzoni promote the Charlottesville Track Club’s modified events during the pandemic and I especially enjoyed marketing and managing the C-VILLE-athon, Race Fest, Marathon and Half Marathon Training Program, Winter Training Program, the All-Comers Summer Track Meets, and Bruce Barnes Mile.
During this time a conflict arose between me and various CTC board members. Unfortunately, in spite of my best efforts, this conflict could not be resolved. Therefore, I made the extremely difficult decision to step away from the CTC in September 2021.
Although I had to separate myself from the CTC, I knew I wanted to help CTM race director, Nicole Brimer, with the 2022 Charlottesville Ten Miler. It was very important for me to end my tenure with the CTC on a high note. So, I made a variety of new designs for a special bib, stickers, and volunteer shirt as well other logos that I never got to use.
I wore my rainbow sparkle skirt and formerly white running shoes that I colored with a rainbow of sharpies. So many spectators and fellow runners complimented me on my tutu and I appreciated the encouragement as I was rather untrained for this endeavor!
The best part of the race was seeing my identical twin sister cheering in her inflatable T-Rex costume at mile 4 and the finish line. Being able to finally share this historic event with her made a difficult day of saying goodbye to this race a bit easier.
Thank you to Nicole for allowing me do what I love and including me as a valuable contributor to this spring tradition in Charlottesville.
I'm not sure who will be the next director for the Charlottesville Ten Miler and what changes will be made under new leadership. I know that my twin and I will always smile when we see someone wearing a shirt from one of the years I helped support the race, especially the shirts with my designs (2009, 2010, 2011, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020/21, and 2022).
music is my therapy
All the right songs came up at the right moment .....
UPDATE: On November 9, 2022, I received an email from the Board of Psychology informing me of the progress of the case regarding [redacted]. An informal conference will be held on February 24, 2023. I received a 9 page Notice detailing the allegations. I’m waiting for that to be available on the website before sharing it. For now, if you search the license lookup you’ll see “Yes” for Additional Public Information* and that is all I ever wanted.
Over the past few weeks I’ve had numerous conversations with a variety of professionals about my desire to recover from what I would describe as therapy abuse that occurred from 1996-2018. I filed a complaint with the Department of Health Professions in September 2020 yet there has been no resolution which has caused me to feel hopeless, regretful, and desperate. In October 2021 I had an emotional, but helpful 22 minute conversation with a staff member at the DHP. Despite my recent request, the staff at DHP have refused to talk with me again and have indicated via email that they don’t have time to answer my questions about the ongoing process which has only exacerbated the trauma that reporting him has caused me.
I asked a counselor if I made a mistake by filing my complaint because it feels like it has only ended up hurting me more than if I just stayed silent. She said that she believes that despite the bureaucratic obstacles that are delaying any action or closure, it was the right thing to do to report the abuse. She suggested that I might consider speaking with a lawyer about any other options I might have.
I took that advice and had two very useful conversations with a lawyer who specializes in therapy abuse. Although she couldn’t take on my case due to the statute of limitations, she suggested that I might want to consider becoming an advocate for changes in the state laws regarding medical malpractice. It helped to talk with someone who’s represented others who have struggled with coming forward, knowing that it often takes years to get to that point and then it’s too late to do anything about it.
I reached out to the Women’s Initiative during their call-in clinic to get advice on therapy to resolve the issues that filing the complaint has caused. I agreed to speak with an intern rather than a licensed clinician because I thought it was important that someone in training hears about the intense pain that may result from bad therapy. Explaining my story in 30 minutes helped me focus on the core issues I want to address. She noted that one of my strengths was my sense of humor and commented on my bravery and strength to reach out for help despite my history.
I spent $208.50 to get a copy of my medical records from my former therapist so I could see what the DHP might have received. It was no surprise that the huge stack of documents was disorganized and incomplete.
It was another unpleasant trip down memory lane especially when I found the notes for the session when he hit me with the door as I tried to leave and the session when I confronted him about a hurtful text and email he sent me outside of therapy. At least I know that those notes corroborate my “testimony” although they leave out some very important details.
I had already received handwritten therapy notes from 2006-2007 years ago when I was trying to quit the first time. In September 2020, I submitted transcripts of those notes typed up by me because his handwriting was so difficult to read. Luckily the notes from 2012-2018 were already typed, but finding any actual encounter notes in pages filled with duplicative information was quite difficult. I spent a couple hours transcribing the 2008 handwritten notes and the 2012-2018 typed notes into a spreadsheet. Then I reviewed all the billing records and entered all those dates into the spreadsheet as well.
That is the number of sessions I had with this therapist. That number alone feels like the strongest and most striking evidence that something went terribly wrong in my “treatment plan.” It’s humiliating and embarrassing to disclose this information, but I need to be transparent in order to finally begin the healing process. When I spoke with someone at the Women’s Center to get a referral she shared with me that if I needed validation that telling a former patient “I’ll pass” when they reach out for help is unprofessional, she was giving that to me. She didn’t even need to know the full story to make that observation as a counselor herself. I could tell that she was upset that something like this happened to someone which gave me hope.
I hope that despite being financially limited due to my current unemployment I might find the right clinician to help me process my experience and grow from it. I feel like my situation would be the perfect case for someone in training and I’m more than willing to share my story to help new therapists gain skills to help others. I need to explore how and why I allowed myself to be in this situation for so long despite numerous warning signs and advice from my friends, family, and other mental health professionals. Most importantly I want to forgive myself. I’ve spent a lot of time ruminating and blaming myself, but as the lawyer reminded me: he was trained to prevent this from happening. It’s not entirely my fault. Additional Public Information*
Postscript: To add insult after injury, I reached out to the therapist’s office when I realized encounter notes from 2009-2011 were missing without any explanation. I received an email message and letter in the mail that stunned and terrified me. I responded electronically and received a less ominous email reply. These two exchanges pretty much sum it all up. :(
8 Signs of a Bad Therapist: When You Should Move On
Ten Signs Your Therapist is Abusing You: What to Look For
I managed everything for the C-VILLE-athon from 2015-2020. A new team is now in charge. Good luck, runners!
The C-VILLE-athon is the brilliant idea of coach, volunteer race director, and running store owner Mark Lorenzoni. Created as a way to encourage runners to try a variety of local not-for-profit races as well as to track one’s progress over the year, the C-VILLE-athon allows participants to design their own racing experience by running at least 26.2 miles in charity events in a calendar year.
I worked behind the scenes to create logos, flyers, website, and social media presence for this initiative and it has been a huge success. During its first year. Of the 243 people who signed up for the challenge in the inaugural event, 83 runners submitted their checklists, running a total of more than 2500 miles for worthy causes!