Having survived dozens of interviews, I’m finally beginning to understand the best way for potential employers to get to know me as a person and a prospective team member and the conventional interview is NOT the way.

A friend once told me something about hiring that I’m not recalling quite right, but basically it’s this: You can likely teach anyone to do anything in terms of the job, but you can’t change their personality. Finding the person who is the right fit is more important than finding the one who looks perfect on paper with all the requirements checked off. 

Unless the position you’re trying to fill requires spontaneously answering questions in front of complete strangers, how is an interview the best way to evaluate someone’s potential? If a role requires certain skills shouldn’t those be assessed in a real world scenario applicable to your company rather than completely based on prior experience?

Whenever I have doubts about my marketing abilities, I remind myself that I’ve gotten a lot of interviews and that’s because I know how to market myself, on paper at least. When I think of the ratio of resumes submitted to phone screens to second or third interviews, I think I am doing pretty good considering the current climate. However, I can’t help but think that my aversion to the standard interview and my inability to play the game of first impressions has been the reason for only two offers. I know that I’m not going to change who I am and I’d rather show my true self from the get go, but part of me wishes I could have the perfect interview - one that is a real conversation, an open dialogue, an exchange with honesty and authenticity. 

ATTENTION HR MANAGERS: Please share the majority of questions you may ask in an interview beforehand.  Have candidates record a short video or submit written answers prior to meeting so that the interview can be more like a conversation. If you’re following a script, asking the same questions in the same order to all candidates, why keep it a secret? Wouldn’t you rather see who prepares and who doesn’t? Don’t you want to find out right away who cares enough about the process to research your company and think about what they have to offer and how they see themselves fitting in to your work culture?

I really love the section on Interview Questions in "The Ideal Team Player." (see sample questions below) I've decided to compose answers for these sample questions because I know it will help me learn more about what I have to offer and what I need to thrive in my next position. 

* Tell me about the most important accomplishment of your career.

* What was the most embarrassing moment in your career? Or the biggest failure? How did you handle that embarrassment or failure?

* What is your greatest weakness?

* How do you handle apologies, either giving or accepting them?

* Tell me about someone who is better than you in an area that really matters to you.

* What is the hardest you've ever worked on something in your life?

* How would you describe your personality?

* What do you do that others in your personal life might find annoying?

* What kind of people annoy you the most, and how do you deal with them?

* Would your former colleagues describe you as an empathic person? Can you give an example of how you've demonstrated empathy to a teammate?

In the middle of writing this I had another great conversation with my Dad about my frustrations with the job hunt. I’ve been really struggling lately with what feels like a broken system in terms of the standard hiring process.

I can’t help but find comparisons between scrolling LinkedIn and Match.com. It’s a tedious endeavor filled with hope and despair. I’m quite grateful that I have been married for almost 22 years to someone I’ve known since 1994! Looking for a new job feels like searching for future husband on a dating app that has resulted in nothing but a lot of awkward first dates. 

Sometimes I feel optimistic and determined. Other times I feel powerless, ignored, and desperate. I know that I’m one of a kind. I know that I have high standards of myself and others. I know that I throw myself 100% into everything I do. I love learning and growing. I thrive on being creative and responsive. I’m honest and I’m intense, but I’m also empathetic and supportive. 

I want to be evaluated not only on my resume and personality, but on what I can do for the organization I’m trying to join. My greatest strengths are best demonstrated in my work and that’s why I’ve appreciated the opportunity to submit a specific writing sample, social content, or presentation tailored to the particular role. I’ve only been required to do this a handful of times, and I didn’t always get an offer, but I knew that I did my best and that’s all that mattered to me. 

I’m one of those people who says “I’m sorry” so easily and so often that I regularly apologize for stuff that isn’t my fault or something that requires no apology.

That’s why I laughed so much during a recent episode of “And Just Like That…” when Charlotte wouldn’t apologize for knocking Harry over during a competitive tennis game. Things got heated when he confronted her with the number of times she says those two words, “I’m sorry,” to other people and she went off on him. Even though I do think he deserved that apology, I loved seeing her passionately explain herself. “Sorry, not sorry.”

As Ali Trachta describes in her review:“As any good marriage counselor will tell you, fights among longtime couples are rarely about the things that initiated them — this one seems to be more about mansplaining, insecurity and society’s expectation that women always apologize.”

I rarely ask for an apology, because, honestly, what’s the point. If someone doesn’t want to then it means absolutely nothing if you force it.

However, there’s one recent situation in which I’ve told multiple people many times that I deserved an apology from specifically named people and still, crickets. And that’s when I think, “Why can’t I even get the bare minimum two word forced apology?” Especially when everyone agrees mistakes were made in how a situation was handled and I deserved one. 

I apologize when it’s difficult and embarrassing, when it means admitting an error or acknowledging inappropriate or unprofessional behavior. For me, accountability is absolutely necessary especially at work and in personal relationships. I am not perfect and when I screw up or do something I regret, I am compelled to “own it” and apologize even if I’m apologizing for my gut reaction to how someone’s words or actions harmed me. 

At some point I should search my text messages and emails for “I’m sorry” to see how many times I’ve said it when it was actually needed because of something I did and how often I apologize to someone who’s actually done something wrong to me. 

Ever since my twin sister moved in with me this summer, I’ve been more aware of how I apologize to people i care about. We both have unresolved issues with people who have hurt us and never apologized. As identical twins and best friends who live together during difficult times, we often argue and fight, but we also apologize and forgive.

Here are some great resources about how to say, “I’m sorry” both personally and professionally. And, of course, I also have a “I’m sorry” playlist. :) 

If you have applicants send an email to apply for a position, then set up an auto reply. Keep it simple and honest. “We’ve received your resume. If your qualifications match our needs, we will contact you.” ​

Nothing feels like a bigger waste of time than sending multiple emails back and forth to schedule an interview when there is scheduling software available to make it easier for everyone.  ​

Ouch. My finger really hurts and it’s an important finger. It’s the index finger on my dominant hand and it’s the only one I use to type on my iPhone. So what happened? How did I lose a layer of skin from an open blister on my index finger?

Well, here’s the story. ​

For a couple days I risked my life walking from my townhome in Pantops to the grocery store and Starbucks because a few businesses felt it wasn’t their responsibility to shovel the sidewalk in front of their establishments. 

I documented the lack of accessibility to the only crosswalk on Route 250 as well as the Charlottesville Area Transit bus stop near the DMV and tagged the Chick-fil-A Pantops and Atlantic Union Bank on social media. I even tagged the local news stations and newspaper. Obviously nothing happened. 

I’ll do anything to avoid a phone call so I grabbed my shovel and decided to just do it myself. It was only after I was almost finished that I realized my throbbing finger had an injury from the cheap shovel and my lack of skill in moving huge chunks of slush, ice, and snow.

I talked about this in a job interview yesterday because I feel like it is a perfect example of my personality and work ethic. 
​
I will never complain about something without trying to fix it. I’m a problem solver. I care about other people. I hold businesses and people accountable for their actions (or inaction). I’m willing to endure pain (both physical and mental) to do the right thing.

I keep checking my feeds for a thank you. For someone from corporate to respond to my tweets, reels, and Facebook posts. It hasn’t happened. 

Luckily a couple of amazing things did happen as I was shoveling and it’s what gives me some hope and pride.

​A couple in a car stopped in front of 2050 Abbey Road Medical Center and asked if I worked for the city. He mentioned that he saw me on the other side of the road shoveling, too. I told him no, I don’t work for anyone. I’m actually currently unemployed and I don’t have a car so it’s important that sidewalks are accessible. I explained that I had tried to use  social media to “shame” the businesses into doing the right thing, but it didn’t work so I took matters into my own hands. They thanked me and gave me fist pumps in solidarity.

A few minutes later another truck stopped and a guy came out with a flyer. It was for a snow shoveling service and he asked if I could give it to management. I told him that I didn’t work for the building and I was just volunteering. He seemed shocked, kept his flyer, and said, “Wow, that’s nice of you!” 

So I did get thanked and acknowledged, but it wasn’t from corporate headquarters, it was literally from the man on the street (x2). 

One last thing. As I started walking home to clear the patches I missed in front of Atlantic Union Bank a van from the Albemarle County Service Authority parked in the lot. A man got out and opened the back of the van and pulled out a shovel. He said he wanted to help me out since he had a better shovel. He noticed I just broke off part of my low-end orange plastic one attacking a stubborn piece of ice. I was so grateful that not only did one more person recognize my efforts, but he stepped up to offer me a hand. I didn’t get his name, but I want to thank him. His generosity and friendliness made my day.

My husband is writing a book about post-punk music in Kansas entitled, “No Choice But Action.” It’s my mantra now. I have no choice, but to act when I see injustice. Shoveling a sidewalk is just another example. 

Charlottesville has an ordinance that businesses and homeowners need to clear their sidewalks by a specific deadline after a storm. Clearing sidewalks is about accessibility and pedestrian safety. I saw children navigating piles of snow to get on the school bus this morning. We need to think about others and make our communities safe for everyone.

I’ll take recommendations on a good shovel to purchase. I have a feeling I’ll need one for the next storm.

I've grown a lot over the past two years as I've navigated my way from working at a company where I spent practically my entire adult life (spanning a marriage and two children, one of which graduated from high school) through dozens of interviews and short stints in two wildly different organizations.

I am finally learning what's important to me in a workplace and what I need in a manager to be successful, but even more importantly, to be HAPPY at work.

When I apply for positions, I normally lead off with my strengths .... I'm persistent, creative, helpful, inquisitive,. and dedicated.

There are other truths about my personality, ones that until recently I tried to hide or negate. I'm also a workaholic and I have an anxiety disorder.

Admitting the diagnosis of a lifelong medical condition, especially one that involves mental health, is a scary endeavor, but it's something I'm no longer comfortable not disclosing.

The more we talk about mental health in the workplace the healthier the climate.

There are certain boundaries that I've decided to create for myself so I can thrive in life and work. It hasn't been easy. They've led to losing friendships, employment opportunities, and a therapist. It's not all bad. I'm finally learning to not go to an empty well for water, to establish my deal breakers when it comes to employment, and to share my time with friends and family who accept me and make me a priority as I do with them. That's been truly liberating.

I've been reading a lot about how to leave toxic relationships (work or personal), the dangers in breaking the ethical boundaries of psychotherapy, the steps to humanely terminating an employee, and the meaning of at-will employment.

And that's made me think about this MLK quote on the day before his holiday:

“The time is always right to do the right thing.”

I tend to see a lot of things very clearly as either "RIGHT" or "WRONG." And when I perceive injustice or wrongdoing I can get quite indignant ("feeling or showing anger or annoyance at what is perceived as unfair treatment"). Despite my intense emotions at witnessing or experiencing discrimination or misconduct, I always try to channel my outrage into doing something positive - to act, to show up, to inspire change.

For me, there is no point in getting upset about something without trying to fix it, to shine a light, and to make the world a better place.

​I'm still organizing my thoughts regarding the concept of  “at will” - both as it relates to employment and how it could be applied to other aspects of life in its alternative definition (“at whatever time or in whatever way one please”). 

Stay tuned as I plan to write much more about the “better way” I see forward, embracing  new journeys and a different direction as I write My Very Own Story (2022 edition!).

Where There’s At-Will, There’s a Better Way (It’s OK to Not Be OK) Playlist

As we all should have a living will and testament (ok, I'm still working on that), a pre-nup (whoops, we were both poor, never thought that was necessary!), and other vital legal documents, we also need to be prepared in case of the "worst case scenario" on the job (even though it might be the *change* you need). When we accept a new position, we are filled with hope and excitement, much like at a wedding, however as many marriages end in divorce, most jobs are temporary.

Know what you want in your departure as much as what you want in your offer.

Most employers share a welcome message to all staff when someone is hired. How they share the news when a colleague leaves is equally important.

It used to bother me a lot when someone quit and they’d be celebrated with a special lunch or an email filled with accolades. The rest of the staff who had to take on extra responsibilities when the team was down a player never seemed to get the same gratitude or celebration for their efforts. At times this made me feel that my dedication and loyalty weren’t valued. 

When HR sends an email announcing someone’s last day was today or yesterday, it’s widely known they were terminated, but that’s rarely explained. Fear is a powerful motivator, and most people would rather stay silent than ask questions and put their own position at risk. 

Grit vs. Quit

• When to quit, from an expert on grit
• ​When to Stick with Something — and When to Quit
• Sometimes it’s better to quit than to prove your grit

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To all the CEOs, COOs, Managers, and HR Departments:
It might be legal to fire someone without cause, but if it’s handled poorly, you could lose so much more than the person you just let go.

Team morale is greatly affected by the immediate absence of someone who may have been a valued mentor and friend to other staff. Fear will keep most from asking questions so don’t assume that everyone is ok with the news.

You can terminate an employee with empathy and give them the tools they need to succeed in their next role or you could make it the worst day of their lives.

​You have the power to make a difficult situation more palatable, so please be kind, be supportive, and be accessible.  

If the employee was allowed to introduce themselves to the staff when they started, then please let them say goodbye in their own words (if they wish). 

If you struggled with the decision because the person had amazing qualities and talents, but somehow wasn’t the right fit for your culture or the role, then have a sincere recommendation letter prepared in advance and give it to them. They may never use it to get another position, but it could be a valuable reminder that you recognize they made a contribution to your company and could be an amazing asset to another team in the future. 

How to Write Humane Rejection Letters
“Stay away from generic statements like that could apply to anyone and scream “template!” and offer something specific to the candidate. By acknowledging specific strengths, you remind candidates of their worth at exactly the moment they could be doubting themselves most.”