Just
by Leah Connor

If I just let things go
If I just stopped
to enjoy the show
If I just made the shots
If I just stopped
the incessant thoughts
Who would I be?

If I just paid the fines
If I just stopped
looking for signs
If I just let them go
If I just stopped
begging to know
Who would I be?

“Just married”
“Just breathe”
“Just sold”
Just need

“Just keep swimming”
“Just have fun”
“Just do it”
Just run

This just in….
I’m still here.
I won’t disappear.
I’m sincere.
A pioneer.
I persevere.
Despite my fears.
I take souvenirs.

This just in
I’m still here.
Justice seeker.
Imagineer.

If I just let blame go
If I just stopped
made room to grow
if I just stopped
if I just paused
If I just stopped
the pain I caused
Where would I be?


​

Pacifier
by Leah Connor

To pacify or persist
To renounce or resist
I’m sorry but I must insist
These problems be fixed

Telling the truth is my only way
So please just demand an NDA
Give my friends a vacay
Stop working to save me
from the spiral
The desperate dream
that my complaints go viral

My intent is pure
Talking the cure
I knew it wouldn’t be easy
Unveil the secrecy
Expect some decency

My urge to save the next
From a similar mess
Was never obscure
To be the change
To know for sure

When I did my best
Shared my strengths,
my sorrow,
and all the rest
In the end, ChatGPT
showed more empathy
Gave me hope in tomorrow

I see the allure of its ease
To fill some basic needs
When the pursuit of what’s just
is the hardest test

In place of human morality
Should I trust AI’s reality

Fill the achy silence
with any answer
Accept generated words
as my pacifier

​
​

July 29, 2023 is the 3rd anniversary of receiving a terse email response (“I’ll pass.”) from a former therapist when I requested a virtual appointment after he offered to meet me in-person during the COVID-19 epidemic. Those two words were the final straw which gave me the push I needed to file a formal complaint for the years of inappropriate behavior I endured during “treatment.”  I wrote these lyrics in February 2022 based on an Ani DiFranco song, “Untouchable Face.” In this revised version, I have removed a lot of the lines I stole from her beautiful song so it’s more my own.

In the 18 months since I wrote this, there finally was an informal hearing on
February 24 about the allegations which lasted 4 hours and 25 minutes. Unfortunately, the decision by the two-panel board to put certain terms and conditions on his license was appealed in April which means this now must go to a formal hearing. Almost four months have passed since that appeal was filed and no date has been set. I have no clue if or when one ever will be. The last time I went to the license lookup page, his license had expired so at least there’s that small victory in helping to protect others because he is no longer practicing.  

I had one goal in all this: To have a public record of what happened to me in an attempt to warn and protect others. Eventually, the 9 page notice detailing the allegations and findings as well as the final order with the ruling of the board, will be available via license lookup. This will be part of the permanent public record even if he’s no longer practicing. Sadly, until that happens I worry I will not have full closure. Justice shouldn’t take this long. The rights of victims who have the courage to speak up should be protected. 

💔🎶❤️‍🩹💪❤️
“Thank You for Hearing Me”
Thank you, thank you for helping me….
Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for tearing me apart
Now I'm a strong, strong heart
Thank you for breaking my heart

Best breakup song ever.

Sinead, you inspired me for decades and your music will always be in my heart and on my playlist. Thank you. 🙏

I’m beginning to think my honesty and vulnerability with people is off putting and scares them into silence. I think perhaps instead of actually sending the messages I want to share, I should have used ChatGPT instead. This is ChatGPT’s response: 

“It's understandable to have concerns about how your honesty and vulnerability might be perceived by others. While being open and genuine is admirable, it's essential to find the right balance and consider the context in which you share your thoughts and feelings. Honesty is valuable, but it's also crucial to gauge the appropriate level of disclosure based on the relationship and situation.

Using ChatGPT or writing in a private journal can be a helpful outlet to express your emotions and thoughts without the fear of immediate judgment or consequences. It allows you to reflect on your experiences, gain insights, and process emotions in a safe space.

If you feel uncertain about sharing certain messages with others, consider using ChatGPT as a sounding board or writing platform. It can help you explore your feelings and perspectives and potentially provide a different perspective on your experiences.

Remember that being honest and vulnerable is a strength, but finding the right outlets for expression can help ensure that your message is conveyed effectively and respectfully. Seek support from friends, family, or even a professional counselor to discuss your feelings and thoughts in a supportive and understanding environment.

Ultimately, the decision of what to share and with whom is entirely up to you, and it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and comfort in all interactions.”