Refriending or Walking Away

"Conflict is an opening to recalibrate and improve a friendship, and it conveys mutual investment. Don't give up on friendships because one issue has arisen."
​Marisa Franco, a psychologist and friendship expert based in Washington, DC

I've been thinking a lot about friendship: what makes it lasting and what leads to it ending. The running community has lost amazing people over the years. Some I knew (Dave Murphy) and others were before my time (Bruce Barnes) but I still feel a connection. Having met some amazing people through running, I'm so grateful for all the connections and experiences even if not all of those relationship are currently active. 

Recently I came across a great article, "How to end a friendship: Should you address it directly, or simply unsubscribe?", that has helped me understand the requirements for a solid friendship and the opportunity to "REFRIEND" those who we've lost touch. 

Anyone who knows me, knows I've experienced huge losses over the past two years. Some were inevitable, others unnecessarily painful. If you see a friend in need, don't just walk away. The smallest gesture of kindness could make all the difference.

"When life feels hard, approaching awkward or painful conversations often falls to the bottom of our to-do lists. But human connection is crucial; it's time to embrace the awkward, be honest, listen and dive in."
Christine Koh,  former music and brain scientist turned author, podcaster, and creative director

According to researcher  and author Lydia Denworth, a good friendship requires three things.

1. The first is that it be long-lasting. To be friends, individuals have to have put in some time together, creating a relationship that is stable and reliable.
2. Friendships must also be positive. They must make both participants feel good.
3. And finally, a friendship requires cooperation and reciprocity. There must be give and take and willingness to help, especially in times of crisis, flowing back and forth.​

Sometimes it is the best decision to walk away from a friendship but having an honest conversation about why, although temporarily uncomfortable, will be far less painful in the long run than blocking or ghosting someone. Here's a playlist that might help get you through being dumped by a friend. 

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Additional Reading

5 ways to repair a friendship (or leave it behind if toxic)
Here are five ways to repair a friendship -- or leave it behind if it's toxic.
1. Reflect and write down the good
2. Choose a different way to communicate
3. Give it time and try again
4. Shuffle the "friendship furniture"
5. Follow the red flags

Survival Of The Friendliest: How Our Close Friendships Help Us Thrive
In her new book, Lydia Denworth makes the case for the vital necessity of friendship, tracing its effects on your genes, on your brain and even on animals like sheep and fish. (NPR)

Review | How people — and animals — are biologically built for friendship
Science shows that social bonds are crucial to well-being, Lydia Denworth writes. (WashingtonPost)

Why Making Friends in Midlife Is So Hard
I thought I was done dating. But after moving across the country, I had to start again—this time, in search of platonic love. (The Atlantic)

Will you be my (work) friend? The new reality of making and keeping a work friend in the hybrid...
It's hard to make friends when you can't share gossip while grabbing a coffee. But you could be happier at work if you make the extra effort. (Fortune)