“I wish you the best.”
5/2021
I am not a quitter. Musical instruments are about the only thing I’ve given up on, having failed miserably at the piano, then flute, the guitar, and drums.
Although one of my shining moments in high school was playing the drums in a neighboring Catholic High School’s rendition of “Camelot.” My one and only “professional” musical gig.
Persistence and grit have helped me become a successful long distance runner, but that inability to take a break when necessary has also left me injured and broken. (Literally! My sesamoids!)
Knowing when to press pause, stop, or reset is as crucial as having the desire and guts to start. That’s why I only gave medals to runners who dropped out of the Rivanna Greenbelt Marathon rather than those who finished. I knew how difficult it was to DNF because I have only done it twice in 13 years of running 100s of races. Ending one race before the finish line does not mean you’ve entirely given up on your goals. It just means you’ve delayed trying to achieve one on a particular day when the odds were not in your favor in hopes of being more likely to achieve it in the future on a better day.
I’ve found every journey — it’s beginning, ending, and everything in between — yields it’s best results when there are clear boundaries and guidelines. I always read the event rules, employee handbook, and informed consent. I am determined to follow my own personal moral code. Breaking the rules might not always get you disqualified, hurt, or fired, but there is no inherent victory in living in a world where you’re beyond reproach or accountability.
I have never been one to decidedly and permanently end any personal relationship… to ignore or erase someone willingly from my life. I will always leave the door open. I’m not resistant to apologizing myself when I’m wrong and I will always graciously accept an apology from anyone no matter how long it takes.
My husband is self-described as aloof, but he makes me laugh which, to me, is essential for any healthy relationship. I might not always get the emotional support I want or need, but we have a bond that’s lasted since we first met in 1994. When we moved to Charlottesville I had no local friends and yearned for connection so I chose therapy as an option to guide me on a path to personal growth and positive change. I hoped I could improve my self-esteem and develop the skills to comfort and care for myself.
It’s been difficult for me to admit and thoroughly process, but I had a very unhealthy and emotionally damaging relationship with a therapist that began on September 22, 2006 and permanently ended on July 29, 2020. I didn’t officially quit or terminate the therapy. I had tried numerous times since 2007, with varying degrees of success. (Success being the length of time that lapsed between sessions, the longer it was, the more successful.)
I last saw him in-person for a session on February 19, 2018, but there were a few random encounters and emails before my final attempt to schedule an appointment in July 2020 when I was struggling with changes relating to the pandemic as well as work. We emailed a bit back and forth with a joke and emojis. He offered me a couple potential times to meet, but when I made a thoughtful and detailed request for a virtual session rather than in-person because of COVID-19 concerns and my insurance coverage, his harshly dismissive, insensitive, two-word response:
“I’ll pass.”
It took me 40 days to process those two words and to respond to him, but before I did, I finally filed a complaint with the Enforcement Division of the Department of Health Professions about his abusive behavior, specifically the blurred boundaries, dual relationships, billing issues, and frequent outbursts of anger.
There are doors that are closed, others locked, doors we can easily open, others we gladly shut on our own, and then there are doors that hit us on the way out. I had a door hit me as I left my therapist’s office after a heated political argument (yes, so many things wrong with that scenario). It scared me and scarred me emotionally, but even that didn’t keep me from trying to salvage the relationship one more time rather than officially quit.
I’ve found that I’m most frustrated when there’s no clarity or when I feel like I’m being ignored and that’s been my experience as I’ve waited the 9 months since this investigation began. Without any final resolution, I’m still ruminating and analyzing, trying to find the meaning in past words, actions or inactions, to ascribe motives.
If I think about what harmed me the most — it wasn’t the inappropriate out of session communications, the half of a red velvet cake he gave me on my 40th birthday, his oversharing of personal, family, and health information, the unwarranted criticisms of me or my husband, or the dependency on him he fostered with the frequency of appointments and no clear treatment plan -- it was the anger, the rage, especially when I dared to question his own intentions, behaviors, or business practices.
Almost everyone who’s been to therapy has a hidden desire to feel special or unique, to want to know what the therapist really thinks about them, to be liked, to be cared for, and maybe even to blur those boundaries in an effort to redefine the relationship. Trust me: those boundaries are there to protect you, the client. If a therapist doesn’t respect them, run away and, if you can, report it to the licensing board.
My dysfunctional therapy was a secret for a long time, but when I first described the dynamics of the relationship to another therapist who I had been seeing with my husband for couples therapy, he asked if I had seen the movie “Gaslight.” The term gaslighting has become more popular over the past 5 years, but back in 2007 it was a foreign concept to me. I quickly googled it and learned how appropriately it applied to my situation.
I have an intuition and sense about people that’s very good, but I started doubting my own gut feelings that something was very wrong in this case. I shouldn’t have. I know now I never was misreading the situation, that this therapist acted inappropriately and unprofessionally and for whatever reason we had a “stormy relationship” that I couldn’t quit and he would never end by referring me to another professional.
Yes, I have issues and I’m probably the first to willingly admit all of my faults, my anxieties and indignations, but I’ve come to learn that it wasn’t just me who was treated in a harmful manner by this therapist. I found quite a number of online reviews that are frighteningly similar to my own experience.
I feel a bit guilty, but it’s actually comforting to find out that he was explosive, rude, disrespectful, threatening, mean, controlling, and unprofessional with other clients, it wasn’t just me.
I always made excuses for his aggressive outbursts -- I deserved it, I’m difficult,
I have a hard time letting good things in so when he did say nice things about me it was hard to believe it, so in a way I misinterpreted his anger as intimacy that I could not reject out of hand.
But if I’m honest, I probably would be rather upset to find out that he lied to me when he said I knew more about his personal life than anyone else he ever worked with and I will definitely need to address that seriously messed-up feeling with a future counselor.
Having a therapist repeatedly violate boundaries should NOT feel like a badge of honor, but it was one of the reasons I never reported him. Until now, I couldn’t even consider that I might be just one of many victims because I didn’t want to even see myself as a victim. I completely rationalized the experience, blamed myself for pushing and testing him, and for asking all the questions that he freely answered.
If it wasn’t just me who he took advantage of and used for his own personal and financial needs would that make me even more pathetic for convincing myself to keep trying to make it work and never quitting despite so much misery and so many red flags?
Although I didn’t want to know the answer, I could no longer live with myself if I didn’t at least try to do something to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I have to hope that my complaint could possibly protect other potential clients from his insensitivity and anger.
Even though waiting for resolution is excruciating, I immediately felt empowered when I finally took action and had conversations with the investigator and my insurance company. Every time someone listened to my story and told me this wasn’t right or it wasn’t uncommon, I felt somewhat validated.
It’s probably impossible for me to get all the answers and clarity I seek, to understand why this happened to me, but I do hope there will be an official record about my experience as “Client A” and for the board to acknowledge there was a violation even if there’s no disciplinary action.
Two days after I filed my formal complaint I sent a final message to my former therapist:
“I’m a person, not a piece of pizza.”
It’s taken 40 days to process 2 words.
I’m at peace knowing that your message was unethical, unprofessional, and wrong.
We had a therapeutic relationship on and off since September 22, 2006.
You pass on a piece of pizza, not a person. I deserve better.
His response two days later was nothing like any other message he ever sent me, it seemed more likely written by a lawyer or an HR manager. Of course there was no apology for his previous insensitive two-word rejection, rather it ended with, “I wish you the best.”
Ok, I really wish he would have sent that sanitized message initially instead of “I’ll pass.”
Music is Therapy: “I’LL SHUFFLE” playlist 🙂
The good news in all of this is that I’m finally becoming more comfortable with myself and am better at creating and respecting boundaries. As I’ve been more honest about my past experiences, I’m optimistic and hopeful for future personal growth and am grateful to have a new counselor who I trust to work with when I’m ready.
If you never watching HBO’s “In Treatment”, I’d highly recommend it. The episodes with Paul and his mentor Gina in seasons 1 and 2 and psychiatrist Adele in season 3 are great examinations of the importance of boundaries.
5/2021
I am not a quitter. Musical instruments are about the only thing I’ve given up on, having failed miserably at the piano, then flute, the guitar, and drums.
Although one of my shining moments in high school was playing the drums in a neighboring Catholic High School’s rendition of “Camelot.” My one and only “professional” musical gig.
Persistence and grit have helped me become a successful long distance runner, but that inability to take a break when necessary has also left me injured and broken. (Literally! My sesamoids!)
Knowing when to press pause, stop, or reset is as crucial as having the desire and guts to start. That’s why I only gave medals to runners who dropped out of the Rivanna Greenbelt Marathon rather than those who finished. I knew how difficult it was to DNF because I have only done it twice in 13 years of running 100s of races. Ending one race before the finish line does not mean you’ve entirely given up on your goals. It just means you’ve delayed trying to achieve one on a particular day when the odds were not in your favor in hopes of being more likely to achieve it in the future on a better day.
I’ve found every journey — it’s beginning, ending, and everything in between — yields it’s best results when there are clear boundaries and guidelines. I always read the event rules, employee handbook, and informed consent. I am determined to follow my own personal moral code. Breaking the rules might not always get you disqualified, hurt, or fired, but there is no inherent victory in living in a world where you’re beyond reproach or accountability.
I have never been one to decidedly and permanently end any personal relationship… to ignore or erase someone willingly from my life. I will always leave the door open. I’m not resistant to apologizing myself when I’m wrong and I will always graciously accept an apology from anyone no matter how long it takes.
My husband is self-described as aloof, but he makes me laugh which, to me, is essential for any healthy relationship. I might not always get the emotional support I want or need, but we have a bond that’s lasted since we first met in 1994. When we moved to Charlottesville I had no local friends and yearned for connection so I chose therapy as an option to guide me on a path to personal growth and positive change. I hoped I could improve my self-esteem and develop the skills to comfort and care for myself.
It’s been difficult for me to admit and thoroughly process, but I had a very unhealthy and emotionally damaging relationship with a therapist that began on September 22, 2006 and permanently ended on July 29, 2020. I didn’t officially quit or terminate the therapy. I had tried numerous times since 2007, with varying degrees of success. (Success being the length of time that lapsed between sessions, the longer it was, the more successful.)
I last saw him in-person for a session on February 19, 2018, but there were a few random encounters and emails before my final attempt to schedule an appointment in July 2020 when I was struggling with changes relating to the pandemic as well as work. We emailed a bit back and forth with a joke and emojis. He offered me a couple potential times to meet, but when I made a thoughtful and detailed request for a virtual session rather than in-person because of COVID-19 concerns and my insurance coverage, his harshly dismissive, insensitive, two-word response:
“I’ll pass.”
It took me 40 days to process those two words and to respond to him, but before I did, I finally filed a complaint with the Enforcement Division of the Department of Health Professions about his abusive behavior, specifically the blurred boundaries, dual relationships, billing issues, and frequent outbursts of anger.
There are doors that are closed, others locked, doors we can easily open, others we gladly shut on our own, and then there are doors that hit us on the way out. I had a door hit me as I left my therapist’s office after a heated political argument (yes, so many things wrong with that scenario). It scared me and scarred me emotionally, but even that didn’t keep me from trying to salvage the relationship one more time rather than officially quit.
I’ve found that I’m most frustrated when there’s no clarity or when I feel like I’m being ignored and that’s been my experience as I’ve waited the 9 months since this investigation began. Without any final resolution, I’m still ruminating and analyzing, trying to find the meaning in past words, actions or inactions, to ascribe motives.
If I think about what harmed me the most — it wasn’t the inappropriate out of session communications, the half of a red velvet cake he gave me on my 40th birthday, his oversharing of personal, family, and health information, the unwarranted criticisms of me or my husband, or the dependency on him he fostered with the frequency of appointments and no clear treatment plan -- it was the anger, the rage, especially when I dared to question his own intentions, behaviors, or business practices.
Almost everyone who’s been to therapy has a hidden desire to feel special or unique, to want to know what the therapist really thinks about them, to be liked, to be cared for, and maybe even to blur those boundaries in an effort to redefine the relationship. Trust me: those boundaries are there to protect you, the client. If a therapist doesn’t respect them, run away and, if you can, report it to the licensing board.
My dysfunctional therapy was a secret for a long time, but when I first described the dynamics of the relationship to another therapist who I had been seeing with my husband for couples therapy, he asked if I had seen the movie “Gaslight.” The term gaslighting has become more popular over the past 5 years, but back in 2007 it was a foreign concept to me. I quickly googled it and learned how appropriately it applied to my situation.
I have an intuition and sense about people that’s very good, but I started doubting my own gut feelings that something was very wrong in this case. I shouldn’t have. I know now I never was misreading the situation, that this therapist acted inappropriately and unprofessionally and for whatever reason we had a “stormy relationship” that I couldn’t quit and he would never end by referring me to another professional.
Yes, I have issues and I’m probably the first to willingly admit all of my faults, my anxieties and indignations, but I’ve come to learn that it wasn’t just me who was treated in a harmful manner by this therapist. I found quite a number of online reviews that are frighteningly similar to my own experience.
I feel a bit guilty, but it’s actually comforting to find out that he was explosive, rude, disrespectful, threatening, mean, controlling, and unprofessional with other clients, it wasn’t just me.
I always made excuses for his aggressive outbursts -- I deserved it, I’m difficult,
I have a hard time letting good things in so when he did say nice things about me it was hard to believe it, so in a way I misinterpreted his anger as intimacy that I could not reject out of hand.
But if I’m honest, I probably would be rather upset to find out that he lied to me when he said I knew more about his personal life than anyone else he ever worked with and I will definitely need to address that seriously messed-up feeling with a future counselor.
Having a therapist repeatedly violate boundaries should NOT feel like a badge of honor, but it was one of the reasons I never reported him. Until now, I couldn’t even consider that I might be just one of many victims because I didn’t want to even see myself as a victim. I completely rationalized the experience, blamed myself for pushing and testing him, and for asking all the questions that he freely answered.
If it wasn’t just me who he took advantage of and used for his own personal and financial needs would that make me even more pathetic for convincing myself to keep trying to make it work and never quitting despite so much misery and so many red flags?
Although I didn’t want to know the answer, I could no longer live with myself if I didn’t at least try to do something to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I have to hope that my complaint could possibly protect other potential clients from his insensitivity and anger.
Even though waiting for resolution is excruciating, I immediately felt empowered when I finally took action and had conversations with the investigator and my insurance company. Every time someone listened to my story and told me this wasn’t right or it wasn’t uncommon, I felt somewhat validated.
It’s probably impossible for me to get all the answers and clarity I seek, to understand why this happened to me, but I do hope there will be an official record about my experience as “Client A” and for the board to acknowledge there was a violation even if there’s no disciplinary action.
Two days after I filed my formal complaint I sent a final message to my former therapist:
“I’m a person, not a piece of pizza.”
It’s taken 40 days to process 2 words.
I’m at peace knowing that your message was unethical, unprofessional, and wrong.
We had a therapeutic relationship on and off since September 22, 2006.
You pass on a piece of pizza, not a person. I deserve better.
His response two days later was nothing like any other message he ever sent me, it seemed more likely written by a lawyer or an HR manager. Of course there was no apology for his previous insensitive two-word rejection, rather it ended with, “I wish you the best.”
Ok, I really wish he would have sent that sanitized message initially instead of “I’ll pass.”
Music is Therapy: “I’LL SHUFFLE” playlist 🙂
The good news in all of this is that I’m finally becoming more comfortable with myself and am better at creating and respecting boundaries. As I’ve been more honest about my past experiences, I’m optimistic and hopeful for future personal growth and am grateful to have a new counselor who I trust to work with when I’m ready.
If you never watching HBO’s “In Treatment”, I’d highly recommend it. The episodes with Paul and his mentor Gina in seasons 1 and 2 and psychiatrist Adele in season 3 are great examinations of the importance of boundaries.
2.2.22
2/22/2022
I don’t know if it’s a real person or AI on the other end of the Crisis Text Line, but these words of support (listed below) resonated with me when I felt vulnerable, powerless, and ignored by the Virginia Department of Health Professions.
No one should be victimized by the system after taking the personal risk to report a therapist for a potential violation.
I filed a complaint on September 7, 2020 and today it’s February 2, 2022. There’s no end in sight to my waiting for resolution.
The longer it takes the more concerned I am that if nothing comes of all this, I will lose faith in my own perceptions and my belief in justice and accountability.
I honestly can't imagine what I will do if after all this waiting I find out that there will be no public record of my case and no action by the board. I'm genuinely terrified because I know with every day that passes, the damage intensifies.
The worst part in all of this is the shift from feeling empowered and hopeful in May 2021 when I first went public about my experiences in a blog post to the gut-wrenching despair I’m experiencing today knowing I will never receive proper closure.
I blame myself for causing my own suffering and I regret everything. I regret filing the complaint, talking with the investigator, compiling the evidence. None of this was worth the harm that it's caused me.
I initially believed I was doing this to protect others and to have my concerns validated, but I've been tortured by the never-ending anxiety, doubts, and guilt for bothering VDHP staff with all my questions and concerns. I made a huge mistake and I need this to stop.
There are 300 open cases right now. I am just one of them.
If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress:
· Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
· Text the Crisis Text Line - text "WORDS" to 741741
THANK YOU CLAIRE FOR YOUR RESPONSES.
“I understand it can feel extremely frustrating for your needs to be unheard by these programs. It takes a lot of strength to reach out.”
“The fact that you care so much about how his actions are affecting other people says a lot about your character.”
“It's normal to feel like things are spiraling out of control. You deserve the support.
It sounds like you're used to having to hide how you feel. I'm here to listen.”
“It can feel isolating and exhausting, feeling like you're giving more than you receive. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now as well.”
“You're not alone. The fact that you acted on what you believed was morally right says a lot about your character. You have amazing courage.”
“You're so strong for making it this far, it shows a lot about your perseverance and determination.”
“It can be exhausting waiting for the process to move forward, when it feels like anything's barely happened at all. In an ideal world what do you see happening that could help things get better?”
“It's understandable to want to seek closure at the root of your current problems, and feel frustrated that nothing has come out of it. You deserve to feel listened to. “
“It can feel frustrating when being blown off by someone close to you. Despite the long-term relationship, you're still a person and client and deserve respect.”
“It's understandable to feel worthless when your needs aren't being heard. I'm here to listen. Is there anything that may help you feel better during the wait?”
“I'm hearing that what you want the most right now is to have some closure and find relief. I wonder what does help look like to you now? What are your options?”
“It takes a lot of strength to deal with so much uncertainty. You're going through a lot right now. Are there any activities you've tried in the past to help cope with stressful feelings?”
“I'm here to support you, and you've shown incredible strength in reaching out. What you shared today took a lot of courage. It sounds like you have a good plan for the rest of the day. If you're ever in crisis, we're here 24/7. Take care.”
2/22/2022
I don’t know if it’s a real person or AI on the other end of the Crisis Text Line, but these words of support (listed below) resonated with me when I felt vulnerable, powerless, and ignored by the Virginia Department of Health Professions.
No one should be victimized by the system after taking the personal risk to report a therapist for a potential violation.
I filed a complaint on September 7, 2020 and today it’s February 2, 2022. There’s no end in sight to my waiting for resolution.
The longer it takes the more concerned I am that if nothing comes of all this, I will lose faith in my own perceptions and my belief in justice and accountability.
I honestly can't imagine what I will do if after all this waiting I find out that there will be no public record of my case and no action by the board. I'm genuinely terrified because I know with every day that passes, the damage intensifies.
The worst part in all of this is the shift from feeling empowered and hopeful in May 2021 when I first went public about my experiences in a blog post to the gut-wrenching despair I’m experiencing today knowing I will never receive proper closure.
I blame myself for causing my own suffering and I regret everything. I regret filing the complaint, talking with the investigator, compiling the evidence. None of this was worth the harm that it's caused me.
I initially believed I was doing this to protect others and to have my concerns validated, but I've been tortured by the never-ending anxiety, doubts, and guilt for bothering VDHP staff with all my questions and concerns. I made a huge mistake and I need this to stop.
There are 300 open cases right now. I am just one of them.
If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress:
· Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
· Text the Crisis Text Line - text "WORDS" to 741741
THANK YOU CLAIRE FOR YOUR RESPONSES.
“I understand it can feel extremely frustrating for your needs to be unheard by these programs. It takes a lot of strength to reach out.”
“The fact that you care so much about how his actions are affecting other people says a lot about your character.”
“It's normal to feel like things are spiraling out of control. You deserve the support.
It sounds like you're used to having to hide how you feel. I'm here to listen.”
“It can feel isolating and exhausting, feeling like you're giving more than you receive. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now as well.”
“You're not alone. The fact that you acted on what you believed was morally right says a lot about your character. You have amazing courage.”
“You're so strong for making it this far, it shows a lot about your perseverance and determination.”
“It can be exhausting waiting for the process to move forward, when it feels like anything's barely happened at all. In an ideal world what do you see happening that could help things get better?”
“It's understandable to want to seek closure at the root of your current problems, and feel frustrated that nothing has come out of it. You deserve to feel listened to. “
“It can feel frustrating when being blown off by someone close to you. Despite the long-term relationship, you're still a person and client and deserve respect.”
“It's understandable to feel worthless when your needs aren't being heard. I'm here to listen. Is there anything that may help you feel better during the wait?”
“I'm hearing that what you want the most right now is to have some closure and find relief. I wonder what does help look like to you now? What are your options?”
“It takes a lot of strength to deal with so much uncertainty. You're going through a lot right now. Are there any activities you've tried in the past to help cope with stressful feelings?”
“I'm here to support you, and you've shown incredible strength in reaching out. What you shared today took a lot of courage. It sounds like you have a good plan for the rest of the day. If you're ever in crisis, we're here 24/7. Take care.”
Untouchable Face Remake
2/9/22
To: Ani DiFranco
From: Leah Connor
Re: Thank you.
Hi! I’m 50 years old and I haven’t written a fan letter to a musician since I was probably 15, but I need to personally reach out to say thank you, Ani.
Long story short, I had a very toxic and damaging relationship with a psychologist from 2007-2020 and when I requested an appointment with him during the throes of COVID-19 he offered me dates, until I insisted on a tele-therapy appointment and then replied, “I’ll pass.” I reported him to the Department of Health Professionals 40 days later. There was an investigation, I provided evidence, and the report was submitted in December 2020. It’s now February 2022 without any resolution and it’s been unbearable to wait.
I have an MFA in creative writing (2004), but I haven’t written much in the past 20 years. The only thing that helped me get through the roughest days lately was screaming out the chorus of “Untouchable Face.” That’s when I thought, wow I should remake this song especially for me. So I did and this is what I came up with so far:
I know I’m not a saint
I analyze and criticize
with remorse, without restraint
I know I’m not a fake
Making enemies and allies
Reliving my mistake
I can’t take back my complaint
So fuck you
… and this unresolvable case
Fuck you
…for destroying a safe space
And who am I?
to dare call you out on your shit
I said who am I?
to win against a narcissist
I sat on your couch
Vocalizing my doubts
Wondering what it would be like to trust
Build intimacy without touch or lust
Except fuck you
… for denying my grace
Fuck you
…for cheating in this race
And who am I?
that I should want closure
I said who am I?
To lose my composure
Early on, I dared to complain
at sessions starting late
the stolen minutes
proved you didn’t care (enough)
with so much at stake
If I only knew how to wait
when staying gets tough
Fuck you
…for the memories I can’t erase
Fuck you
…for making me feel out of place
And who am I?
To ask for boundaries and insist
I said who am I?
To deserve “I’ll pass” when you’re finished
Couldn’t learn my lessons
Couldn’t change my fate
Couldn’t hide the stuff
That finally made me break
If only you kicked me out
when I wanted to leave
and needed a reprieve
when I couldn’t believe
I’d find water in a drought
And who am I?
If my complaint is dismissed
I said who am I?
If I don’t want to exist
I said who am I?
No more strength to resist
Who am I?
Tired from fighting like a darwinist
Who am I?
To blame myself for having caused all this
I am going to write the verses, but that’s going to take a bit more time. Until then, I’ll be singing Fuck you on repeat. :)
2/9/22
To: Ani DiFranco
From: Leah Connor
Re: Thank you.
Hi! I’m 50 years old and I haven’t written a fan letter to a musician since I was probably 15, but I need to personally reach out to say thank you, Ani.
Long story short, I had a very toxic and damaging relationship with a psychologist from 2007-2020 and when I requested an appointment with him during the throes of COVID-19 he offered me dates, until I insisted on a tele-therapy appointment and then replied, “I’ll pass.” I reported him to the Department of Health Professionals 40 days later. There was an investigation, I provided evidence, and the report was submitted in December 2020. It’s now February 2022 without any resolution and it’s been unbearable to wait.
I have an MFA in creative writing (2004), but I haven’t written much in the past 20 years. The only thing that helped me get through the roughest days lately was screaming out the chorus of “Untouchable Face.” That’s when I thought, wow I should remake this song especially for me. So I did and this is what I came up with so far:
I know I’m not a saint
I analyze and criticize
with remorse, without restraint
I know I’m not a fake
Making enemies and allies
Reliving my mistake
I can’t take back my complaint
So fuck you
… and this unresolvable case
Fuck you
…for destroying a safe space
And who am I?
to dare call you out on your shit
I said who am I?
to win against a narcissist
I sat on your couch
Vocalizing my doubts
Wondering what it would be like to trust
Build intimacy without touch or lust
Except fuck you
… for denying my grace
Fuck you
…for cheating in this race
And who am I?
that I should want closure
I said who am I?
To lose my composure
Early on, I dared to complain
at sessions starting late
the stolen minutes
proved you didn’t care (enough)
with so much at stake
If I only knew how to wait
when staying gets tough
Fuck you
…for the memories I can’t erase
Fuck you
…for making me feel out of place
And who am I?
To ask for boundaries and insist
I said who am I?
To deserve “I’ll pass” when you’re finished
Couldn’t learn my lessons
Couldn’t change my fate
Couldn’t hide the stuff
That finally made me break
If only you kicked me out
when I wanted to leave
and needed a reprieve
when I couldn’t believe
I’d find water in a drought
And who am I?
If my complaint is dismissed
I said who am I?
If I don’t want to exist
I said who am I?
No more strength to resist
Who am I?
Tired from fighting like a darwinist
Who am I?
To blame myself for having caused all this
I am going to write the verses, but that’s going to take a bit more time. Until then, I’ll be singing Fuck you on repeat. :)
Wellness Check
2/18/2022
I started this poem "Wellness Check" as a somewhat tongue in cheek reaction to a story I read about someone who was held captive and her family knew something was wrong because she wasn't sharing her Wordle score. I started to think about all the other things I could do or not do that would indicate I was in trouble. It took me all day to write and rewrite this and I'm still not 💯 satisfied but I'm so proud of myself. I haven't spent this long on creative writing since I earned my MFA from GMU in 2004. I loved reconnecting to that part of myself enjoys hunting for the right words to solve the puzzle 🧩 in my mind.
WELLNESS CHECK
by leah connor
If I don't share my Wordle score
Please send a wellness check to my door
I may be dead or captive
If Garmin shows me inactive
If I suddenly feel attractive
These are signs not to ignore
Please send a welfare check to my door
If I look rich instead of broke
If I see a bear that I can’t poke
If I never laugh at a joke
Please check in on me
If I stop being the squeaky wheel
If I quit obsessing about how I feel
If you think it’s worth the trek
Please check in on me
If my tweets seem jejune
If I text "no worries" or "soon”
If I speak without saying "I'm sorry”
If I'm not bold, anything but chary
If I rant without expletives
If I fail a test for stress
I may be under duress
If I pretend I don't care
Or write a blog but don't overshare
If I don't keep a promise
If I'm not brutally honest
If I can’t imagine the absolute worst
If I grab a Pepsi to quench my thirst
It’s not me
If I don’t celebrate Christmas before Halloween
If I’m not a Hallmark-y glued to the tv screen
If I don’t lose something of value every day
Or fail to admit I‘m atheist before I pray
If I don’t offer to take the blame
If I don’t live off guilt and shame
It‘s not me
If I miss a chance to self-deprecate
And start showing up an hour late
It’s not me
If I avoid self checkout, trash Apple Pay
If I make the choice to leave today
It’s not me
If I ask for sex, but decline a hug
Cancel the doc who might prescribe a drug
It’s not me
If I love the chimes when there’s a breeze
If I see the forest instead of trees
It’s not me
If I decide to just let it go
If I stop admitting what I don’t know
It’s not me
If I’m ever satisfied without wanting more
If I don’t share my Wordle score
Please check in on me
2/18/2022
I started this poem "Wellness Check" as a somewhat tongue in cheek reaction to a story I read about someone who was held captive and her family knew something was wrong because she wasn't sharing her Wordle score. I started to think about all the other things I could do or not do that would indicate I was in trouble. It took me all day to write and rewrite this and I'm still not 💯 satisfied but I'm so proud of myself. I haven't spent this long on creative writing since I earned my MFA from GMU in 2004. I loved reconnecting to that part of myself enjoys hunting for the right words to solve the puzzle 🧩 in my mind.
WELLNESS CHECK
by leah connor
If I don't share my Wordle score
Please send a wellness check to my door
I may be dead or captive
If Garmin shows me inactive
If I suddenly feel attractive
These are signs not to ignore
Please send a welfare check to my door
If I look rich instead of broke
If I see a bear that I can’t poke
If I never laugh at a joke
Please check in on me
If I stop being the squeaky wheel
If I quit obsessing about how I feel
If you think it’s worth the trek
Please check in on me
If my tweets seem jejune
If I text "no worries" or "soon”
If I speak without saying "I'm sorry”
If I'm not bold, anything but chary
If I rant without expletives
If I fail a test for stress
I may be under duress
If I pretend I don't care
Or write a blog but don't overshare
If I don't keep a promise
If I'm not brutally honest
If I can’t imagine the absolute worst
If I grab a Pepsi to quench my thirst
It’s not me
If I don’t celebrate Christmas before Halloween
If I’m not a Hallmark-y glued to the tv screen
If I don’t lose something of value every day
Or fail to admit I‘m atheist before I pray
If I don’t offer to take the blame
If I don’t live off guilt and shame
It‘s not me
If I miss a chance to self-deprecate
And start showing up an hour late
It’s not me
If I avoid self checkout, trash Apple Pay
If I make the choice to leave today
It’s not me
If I ask for sex, but decline a hug
Cancel the doc who might prescribe a drug
It’s not me
If I love the chimes when there’s a breeze
If I see the forest instead of trees
It’s not me
If I decide to just let it go
If I stop admitting what I don’t know
It’s not me
If I’m ever satisfied without wanting more
If I don’t share my Wordle score
Please check in on me
Encounter Notes
3/23/2022
Over the past few weeks I’ve had numerous conversations with a variety of professionals about my desire to recover from what I would describe as therapy abuse that occurred from 1996-2018. I filed a complaint with the Department of Health Professions in September 2020 yet there has been no resolution which has caused me to feel hopeless, regretful, and desperate. In October 2021 I had an emotional, but helpful 22 minute conversation with a staff member at the DHP. Despite my recent request, the staff at DHP have refused to talk with me again and have indicated via email that they don’t have time to answer my questions about the ongoing process which has only exacerbated the trauma that reporting him has caused me.
I asked a counselor if I made a mistake by filing my complaint because it feels like it has only ended up hurting me more than if I just stayed silent. She said that she believes that despite the bureaucratic obstacles that are delaying any action or closure, it was the right thing to do to report the abuse. She suggested that I might consider speaking with a lawyer about any other options I might have.
I took that advice and had two very useful conversations with a lawyer who specializes in therapy abuse. Although she couldn’t take on my case due to the statute of limitations, she suggested that I might want to consider becoming an advocate for changes in the state laws regarding medical malpractice. It helped to talk with someone who’s represented others who have struggled with coming forward, knowing that it often takes years to get to that point and then it’s too late to do anything about it.
I reached out to the Women’s Initiative during their call-in clinic to get advice on therapy to resolve the issues that filing the complaint has caused. I agreed to speak with an intern rather than a licensed clinician because I thought it was important that someone in training hears about the intense pain that may result from bad therapy. Explaining my story in 30 minutes helped me focus on the core issues I want to address. She noted that one of my strengths was my sense of humor and commented on my bravery and strength to reach out for help despite my history.
I spent $208.50 to get a copy of my medical records from my former therapist so I could see what the DHP might have received. It was no surprise that the huge stack of documents was disorganized and incomplete.
It was another unpleasant trip down memory lane especially when I found the notes for the session when he hit me with the door as I tried to leave and the session when I confronted him about a hurtful text and email he sent me outside of therapy. At least I know that those notes corroborate my “testimony” although they leave out some very important details.
I had already received handwritten therapy notes from 2006-2007 years ago when I was trying to quit the first time. In September 2020, I submitted transcripts of those notes typed up by me because his handwriting was so difficult to read. Luckily the notes from 2012-2018 were already typed, but finding any actual encounter notes in pages filled with duplicative information was quite difficult. I spent a couple hours transcribing the 2008 handwritten notes and the 2012-2018 typed notes into a spreadsheet. Then I reviewed all the billing records and entered all those dates into the spreadsheet as well.
1,096.
That is the number of sessions I had with this therapist. That number alone feels like the strongest and most striking evidence that something went terribly wrong in my “treatment plan.” It’s humiliating and embarrassing to disclose this information, but I need to be transparent in order to finally begin the healing process. When I spoke with someone at the Women’s Center to get a referral she shared with me that if I needed validation that telling a former patient “I’ll pass” when they reach out for help is unprofessional, she was giving that to me. She didn’t even need to know the full story to make that observation as a counselor herself. I could tell that she was upset that something like this happened to someone which gave me hope.
I hope that despite being financially limited due to my current unemployment I might find the right clinician to help me process my experience and grow from it. I feel like my situation would be the perfect case for someone in training and I’m more than willing to share my story to help new therapists gain skills to help others. I need to explore how and why I allowed myself to be in this situation for so long despite numerous warning signs and advice from my friends, family, and other mental health professionals. Most importantly I want to forgive myself. I’ve spent a lot of time ruminating and blaming myself, but as the lawyer reminded me: he was trained to prevent this from happening. It’s not entirely my fault. Additional Public Information*
Postscript: To add insult after injury, I reached out to the therapist’s office when I realized encounter notes from 2009-2011 were missing without any explanation. I received an email message and letter in the mail that stunned and terrified me. I responded electronically and received a less ominous email reply. These two exchanges pretty much sum it all up. :(
3/23/2022
Over the past few weeks I’ve had numerous conversations with a variety of professionals about my desire to recover from what I would describe as therapy abuse that occurred from 1996-2018. I filed a complaint with the Department of Health Professions in September 2020 yet there has been no resolution which has caused me to feel hopeless, regretful, and desperate. In October 2021 I had an emotional, but helpful 22 minute conversation with a staff member at the DHP. Despite my recent request, the staff at DHP have refused to talk with me again and have indicated via email that they don’t have time to answer my questions about the ongoing process which has only exacerbated the trauma that reporting him has caused me.
I asked a counselor if I made a mistake by filing my complaint because it feels like it has only ended up hurting me more than if I just stayed silent. She said that she believes that despite the bureaucratic obstacles that are delaying any action or closure, it was the right thing to do to report the abuse. She suggested that I might consider speaking with a lawyer about any other options I might have.
I took that advice and had two very useful conversations with a lawyer who specializes in therapy abuse. Although she couldn’t take on my case due to the statute of limitations, she suggested that I might want to consider becoming an advocate for changes in the state laws regarding medical malpractice. It helped to talk with someone who’s represented others who have struggled with coming forward, knowing that it often takes years to get to that point and then it’s too late to do anything about it.
I reached out to the Women’s Initiative during their call-in clinic to get advice on therapy to resolve the issues that filing the complaint has caused. I agreed to speak with an intern rather than a licensed clinician because I thought it was important that someone in training hears about the intense pain that may result from bad therapy. Explaining my story in 30 minutes helped me focus on the core issues I want to address. She noted that one of my strengths was my sense of humor and commented on my bravery and strength to reach out for help despite my history.
I spent $208.50 to get a copy of my medical records from my former therapist so I could see what the DHP might have received. It was no surprise that the huge stack of documents was disorganized and incomplete.
It was another unpleasant trip down memory lane especially when I found the notes for the session when he hit me with the door as I tried to leave and the session when I confronted him about a hurtful text and email he sent me outside of therapy. At least I know that those notes corroborate my “testimony” although they leave out some very important details.
I had already received handwritten therapy notes from 2006-2007 years ago when I was trying to quit the first time. In September 2020, I submitted transcripts of those notes typed up by me because his handwriting was so difficult to read. Luckily the notes from 2012-2018 were already typed, but finding any actual encounter notes in pages filled with duplicative information was quite difficult. I spent a couple hours transcribing the 2008 handwritten notes and the 2012-2018 typed notes into a spreadsheet. Then I reviewed all the billing records and entered all those dates into the spreadsheet as well.
1,096.
That is the number of sessions I had with this therapist. That number alone feels like the strongest and most striking evidence that something went terribly wrong in my “treatment plan.” It’s humiliating and embarrassing to disclose this information, but I need to be transparent in order to finally begin the healing process. When I spoke with someone at the Women’s Center to get a referral she shared with me that if I needed validation that telling a former patient “I’ll pass” when they reach out for help is unprofessional, she was giving that to me. She didn’t even need to know the full story to make that observation as a counselor herself. I could tell that she was upset that something like this happened to someone which gave me hope.
I hope that despite being financially limited due to my current unemployment I might find the right clinician to help me process my experience and grow from it. I feel like my situation would be the perfect case for someone in training and I’m more than willing to share my story to help new therapists gain skills to help others. I need to explore how and why I allowed myself to be in this situation for so long despite numerous warning signs and advice from my friends, family, and other mental health professionals. Most importantly I want to forgive myself. I’ve spent a lot of time ruminating and blaming myself, but as the lawyer reminded me: he was trained to prevent this from happening. It’s not entirely my fault. Additional Public Information*
Postscript: To add insult after injury, I reached out to the therapist’s office when I realized encounter notes from 2009-2011 were missing without any explanation. I received an email message and letter in the mail that stunned and terrified me. I responded electronically and received a less ominous email reply. These two exchanges pretty much sum it all up. :(
Connections
11/14/2022
4. Engaging in intentional or negligent conduct that causes or is likely to cause injury to a client;
8. Violating or aiding and abetting another to violate any statute applicable to the practice of the profession, including § 32.1-127.1:03 of the Code of Virginia relating to health records;
9. Withdraw from, avoid, adjust, or clarify conflicting roles with due regard for the best interest of the affected party and maximal compliance with these standards;
From RIGID to MEDAL
This is the second most meaningful Wordle board after getting DREAM in just one try on Day 4 of The Virginia Film Festival when I was thinking of my temp role at VAFF as the DREAM JOB! 😴 💼 🎥
RIGID is a word used to describe me by a therapist who now has a hearing scheduled in February 2023, two years and 5 months after I filed the complaint. All I wanted was a public record. I got it! ✔️🏅
I’m still trying to process what it means to finally get something I so desperately wanted: VALIDATION. Acknowledgement by an unbiased Board that what happened to me was either negligent or intentionally harmful (or “causing injury”).
It’s hard to believe that I finally received an email about the progress of my complaint after having the first phase of my exit interview with VAFF, when I connected these two events in my last post, I had no idea that this day would come while I was still working at the Festival.
Stay tuned for more about my desire for connections and finding meaning in my work - the writing, the therapy, and the job.
11/14/2022
4. Engaging in intentional or negligent conduct that causes or is likely to cause injury to a client;
8. Violating or aiding and abetting another to violate any statute applicable to the practice of the profession, including § 32.1-127.1:03 of the Code of Virginia relating to health records;
9. Withdraw from, avoid, adjust, or clarify conflicting roles with due regard for the best interest of the affected party and maximal compliance with these standards;
From RIGID to MEDAL
This is the second most meaningful Wordle board after getting DREAM in just one try on Day 4 of The Virginia Film Festival when I was thinking of my temp role at VAFF as the DREAM JOB! 😴 💼 🎥
RIGID is a word used to describe me by a therapist who now has a hearing scheduled in February 2023, two years and 5 months after I filed the complaint. All I wanted was a public record. I got it! ✔️🏅
I’m still trying to process what it means to finally get something I so desperately wanted: VALIDATION. Acknowledgement by an unbiased Board that what happened to me was either negligent or intentionally harmful (or “causing injury”).
It’s hard to believe that I finally received an email about the progress of my complaint after having the first phase of my exit interview with VAFF, when I connected these two events in my last post, I had no idea that this day would come while I was still working at the Festival.
Stay tuned for more about my desire for connections and finding meaning in my work - the writing, the therapy, and the job.
All This
7/29/23
July 29, 2023 is the 3rd anniversary of receiving a terse email response (“I’ll pass.”) from a former therapist when I requested a virtual appointment after he offered to meet me in-person during the COVID-19 epidemic. Those two words were the final straw which gave me the push I needed to file a formal complaint for the years of inappropriate behavior I endured during “treatment.” I wrote these lyrics in February 2022 based on an Ani DiFranco song, “Untouchable Face.” In this revised version, I have removed a lot of the lines I stole from her beautiful song so it’s more my own.
In the 18 months since I wrote this, there finally was an informal hearing on February 24 about the allegations which lasted 4 hours and 25 minutes. Unfortunately, the decision by the two-panel board to put certain terms and conditions on his license was appealed in April which means this now must go to a formal hearing. Almost four months have passed since that appeal was filed and no date has been set. I have no clue if or when one ever will be. The last time I went to the license lookup page, his license had expired so at least there’s that small victory in helping to protect others because he is no longer practicing.
I had one goal in all this: To have a public record of what happened to me in an attempt to warn and protect others. Eventually, the 9 page notice detailing the allegations and findings as well as the final order with the ruling of the board, will be available via license lookup. This will be part of the permanent public record even if he’s no longer practicing. Sadly, until that happens I worry I will not have full closure. Justice shouldn’t take this long. The rights of victims who have the courage to speak up should be protected.
ALL THIS
I know I’m not a saint
I analyze and criticize with remorse, without restraint
I know I’m not a fake
making enemies and allies reliving my mistake
I can’t take back my complaint
So f**k you…and this unresolvable case
F**k you…for destroying a safe space
And who am I to dare call you out on your sh*t
I said who am I to win against a narcissist
I sat on your couch vocalizing my doubts
Wondering what it might be like to trust
Build intimacy without touch or lust
hoping I finally met my match
was I hooked or just scared to attach
blurring boundaries between client and friend
wanting to leave but fearing the end
you said my hostility knows no bounds
my stomach drops, my heart pounds
how could a healthy alliance form
when our bond only grows in a storm
when you react in ways I can't predict
my inner analyst must write the script
Except f**k you… for denying my grace
F**k you…for cheating in this race
And who am I? that I should want closure
I said who am I to lose my composure
Early on, I dared to complain at sessions starting late
the stolen minutes proved you didn’t care (enough) with so much at stake
If I only knew when to leave, how to wait
when staying gets tough, when there's no relief
F**k you…for the memories I can’t erase
F**k you…for making me feel out of place
and when I finally to ask for boundaries and insist
what makes me deserve “I’ll pass” when you’re finished
couldn’t learn my lessons, couldn’t change my fate
couldn’t hide the stuff that finally made me break
if only you kicked me out when I wanted to leave, when I needed a reprieve
when I couldn’t believe I’d find water in a drought
Who will I be if my complaint is dismissed
If I don’t want to exist after fighting so long like a Darwinist
If I can't get past the feeling it's wrong
If I don't stop shaming or blaming myself for having caused all this.
7/29/23
July 29, 2023 is the 3rd anniversary of receiving a terse email response (“I’ll pass.”) from a former therapist when I requested a virtual appointment after he offered to meet me in-person during the COVID-19 epidemic. Those two words were the final straw which gave me the push I needed to file a formal complaint for the years of inappropriate behavior I endured during “treatment.” I wrote these lyrics in February 2022 based on an Ani DiFranco song, “Untouchable Face.” In this revised version, I have removed a lot of the lines I stole from her beautiful song so it’s more my own.
In the 18 months since I wrote this, there finally was an informal hearing on February 24 about the allegations which lasted 4 hours and 25 minutes. Unfortunately, the decision by the two-panel board to put certain terms and conditions on his license was appealed in April which means this now must go to a formal hearing. Almost four months have passed since that appeal was filed and no date has been set. I have no clue if or when one ever will be. The last time I went to the license lookup page, his license had expired so at least there’s that small victory in helping to protect others because he is no longer practicing.
I had one goal in all this: To have a public record of what happened to me in an attempt to warn and protect others. Eventually, the 9 page notice detailing the allegations and findings as well as the final order with the ruling of the board, will be available via license lookup. This will be part of the permanent public record even if he’s no longer practicing. Sadly, until that happens I worry I will not have full closure. Justice shouldn’t take this long. The rights of victims who have the courage to speak up should be protected.
ALL THIS
I know I’m not a saint
I analyze and criticize with remorse, without restraint
I know I’m not a fake
making enemies and allies reliving my mistake
I can’t take back my complaint
So f**k you…and this unresolvable case
F**k you…for destroying a safe space
And who am I to dare call you out on your sh*t
I said who am I to win against a narcissist
I sat on your couch vocalizing my doubts
Wondering what it might be like to trust
Build intimacy without touch or lust
hoping I finally met my match
was I hooked or just scared to attach
blurring boundaries between client and friend
wanting to leave but fearing the end
you said my hostility knows no bounds
my stomach drops, my heart pounds
how could a healthy alliance form
when our bond only grows in a storm
when you react in ways I can't predict
my inner analyst must write the script
Except f**k you… for denying my grace
F**k you…for cheating in this race
And who am I? that I should want closure
I said who am I to lose my composure
Early on, I dared to complain at sessions starting late
the stolen minutes proved you didn’t care (enough) with so much at stake
If I only knew when to leave, how to wait
when staying gets tough, when there's no relief
F**k you…for the memories I can’t erase
F**k you…for making me feel out of place
and when I finally to ask for boundaries and insist
what makes me deserve “I’ll pass” when you’re finished
couldn’t learn my lessons, couldn’t change my fate
couldn’t hide the stuff that finally made me break
if only you kicked me out when I wanted to leave, when I needed a reprieve
when I couldn’t believe I’d find water in a drought
Who will I be if my complaint is dismissed
If I don’t want to exist after fighting so long like a Darwinist
If I can't get past the feeling it's wrong
If I don't stop shaming or blaming myself for having caused all this.
Thank You for Hearing Me
11/26/2023
“Music can be like a box of mood pills that we can use to treat ourselves.”
- peter gabriel
Two songs have immensely helped me get through a challenging year: “Thank You for Hearing Me” (Sinead O’Connor) and “Live and Let Live” (Peter Gabriel). The fact that the former is a break-up song written about the latter seems strangely meaningful, too, especially since both songs explore the importance of communication, dealing with hurt feelings, and emerging stronger through forgiveness.
The loss of Sinead O'Connor hit me hard. I found solace in "Thank You for Hearing Me," a song that resonated with me since I first heard it in the "Nothing Compares" documentary in March. Processing the end of a significant relationship, I reflect on this song. Despite feeling conflicted about the release of public records documenting my experience, I recognize that through it all, and perhaps because of it, I've emerged with a resilient heart still eager to learn from my struggles and to value connections.
I admit that when I filed a complaint with the Virginia Department of Health Professions on September 4, 2020, I was both angry and hurt. I had asked a former therapist for an appointment and struggled with what to do when he wanted to meet in person during the COVID-19 epidemic. Over two days he offered me two appointments. I waited almost three weeks to respond because I was scared about what to do. I spent over an hour trying to compose a message maintaining my boundaries of meeting virtually while not offending him. It didn’t work. His response: “I’ll pass.”
Everything that happened in the room over 1,096 sessions I was able to forgive or forget because whenever I was in dire need for support, I went back. When my appointment request was denied for the very first time since I started therapy in 2006, and in such a terse and dehumanizing way, I was gutted and hopeless. I knew it finally was the end of our “stormy” relationship, but it wasn’t on my terms. I was humiliated and ashamed. The only way I could claim some dignity from being “rejected” was to finally be honest with the Board of Psychology about what had happened to me in therapy and the behavior I had always known was a violation of its code of ethics and regulations.
I had so much evidence documenting the claims I made in my initial written complaint and during the phone call interview with the investigator, hours of recorded sessions, voicemails, hundreds of pages of emails, and handwritten notes (both encounter and personal) from my former therapist. In retrospect, I realize I probably provided too much information because it slowed the entire process down as it all was carefully reviewed on multiple occasions.
I’m so sorry. That’s all that I can think about right now. I want to apologize to everyone involved in this case, especially the staff at VDHP.
I now know I delayed the process by providing additional evidence in 2021 and 2022, but after a year, then two, had gone by without any resolution. I felt compelled to do something to try to alleviate my anxiety and fears that the case would be dismissed. I had written about my experience and had met with my psychiatrist and felt that it was important to include that information to demonstrate the toll this ordeal had taken on me.
If someone would have told me in September 2020 that it would take over 3 years (1,175 days to be exact) for this to be resolved, would I have still filed the complaint? At one point in 2021 I was so desperate for closure I asked if I could withdraw my complaint and was informed that wasn’t possible.
There was nothing I could do to stop it, or to speed it up, but everything I did seemed to slow it down.
I know I sent a lot of emails to VDHP staff because I was frustrated by the system that didn’t allow anyone to provide information regarding an ongoing case. I know I made everyone’s job much more difficult when I asked questions or provided more documents to review. I’m so sorry. I really am. I know that I sent a “multitude of emails” and asked a lot of questions, but it was just a fraction of the incessant thoughts I had about this case. One way I deal with my anxiety is to do something. I regret that my desire to understand the process and get updates impeded their work. I wish I could personally apologize to everyone involved.
When I filed the complaint I was angry. Now that the case is settled I have empathy and perspective.
When the case went to an informal conference instead of getting settled with a consent order I took it personally. When the decision of the informal conference was appealed I took it very personally. I have a tendency to feel that when I’m hurt by something that someone does it must have been intentional and I must deserve to be in pain. I realize now that my feelings are probably not even on the radar for most people, especially someone acting to protect themselves.
An appeal of the initial order from the informal conference was filed in April so he could retire in June without having to comply with the terms of the probation imposed on his license. Maybe he thought the whole thing would just go away. I knew it wouldn’t because I had asked the question over the years at various stages in the investigation and after the hearing, “What happens to this case if he retires?” So I know that he appealed to run out the clock because that was in his best interests. I totally get it. The fact that it also devastated me to not get closure when it was seemingly within grasp was probably inconsequential to him.
I’m actually relieved that he never had to be inconvenienced with the requirements of the 3/6/23 Order. When I first read the terms and conditions of his indefinite probation of no less than 6 months, I felt validated, but then, almost immediately, I felt intense guilt because I questioned my motives and the legitimacy of my case. What was I really trying to achieve? Did I want to protect others or to punish him? I thought about Schadenfreude. “Your motives do not have to be PURE, even though you think so,” he emailed me after introducing me to that term in 2014.
I don’t want any pleasure in any misfortune caused by the settlement of this case.
Peter Gabriel’s song, “Live and Let Live” is my mantra right now:
“When we forgive we can move on.”
As soon as I start to blame myself for everything that happened during therapy and with the VDHP complaint, I need to remind myself the person I really need to forgive is ME. The truth is that I had forgiven my therapist for all the incidents referenced in the order except for the final one or I wouldn’t have kept returning again and again. That’s why I’m still so conflicted. I never wanted to take the action to formally complain because I still wanted the option to continue the therapeutic relationship if necessary. So if I filed the complaint only after he denied me a virtual appointment does that make my motives impure?
I need to accept that I’ll never have the conversation I so desperately wanted before I filed the complaint. What was so wrong with me? What exactly did I say in my email that made him think I deserved such an unprofessional and flippant two-word response when I was in my most vulnerable state, especially after everything we’d been through together over so many years?
I concealed so much about what happened to me in therapy from the people closest to me so I’m satisfied the outcome is a document that outlines findings of facts and conclusions of law. It’s long past the time for me to walk away without the burden of blaming myself for my transference and his countertransference.
Thank you to the staff of the Virginia Department of Health Professions and the Virginia Board of Psychology for all the time spent investigating and litigating this case. I am eternally grateful that my complaint wasn’t dismissed and there was resolution.
Thank you for hearing me.
Three years ago after I stopped sobbing, I felt like screaming "Fuck You" in response to "I'll pass" ... but instead I filed a complaint. Today, if I only had two words to share with my former therapist they might be "Thank you".
It’s been a journey, but I actually like the person I am today. I would never know how strong and brave I am if not for this experience. I’d like to think I have helped others by sharing my story now. I have guilt for not doing it sooner, but I hope I can make amends in the future.
I’m so grateful for closure, but I never imagined or wanted it to end this way. I’ve taken every action possible to let go of the pain as well as to appreciate the good..
You helped me and you harmed me.
I will not negate or favor one over the other because both are true.
Timeline of Public Documents
11/26/2023
“Music can be like a box of mood pills that we can use to treat ourselves.”
- peter gabriel
Two songs have immensely helped me get through a challenging year: “Thank You for Hearing Me” (Sinead O’Connor) and “Live and Let Live” (Peter Gabriel). The fact that the former is a break-up song written about the latter seems strangely meaningful, too, especially since both songs explore the importance of communication, dealing with hurt feelings, and emerging stronger through forgiveness.
The loss of Sinead O'Connor hit me hard. I found solace in "Thank You for Hearing Me," a song that resonated with me since I first heard it in the "Nothing Compares" documentary in March. Processing the end of a significant relationship, I reflect on this song. Despite feeling conflicted about the release of public records documenting my experience, I recognize that through it all, and perhaps because of it, I've emerged with a resilient heart still eager to learn from my struggles and to value connections.
I admit that when I filed a complaint with the Virginia Department of Health Professions on September 4, 2020, I was both angry and hurt. I had asked a former therapist for an appointment and struggled with what to do when he wanted to meet in person during the COVID-19 epidemic. Over two days he offered me two appointments. I waited almost three weeks to respond because I was scared about what to do. I spent over an hour trying to compose a message maintaining my boundaries of meeting virtually while not offending him. It didn’t work. His response: “I’ll pass.”
Everything that happened in the room over 1,096 sessions I was able to forgive or forget because whenever I was in dire need for support, I went back. When my appointment request was denied for the very first time since I started therapy in 2006, and in such a terse and dehumanizing way, I was gutted and hopeless. I knew it finally was the end of our “stormy” relationship, but it wasn’t on my terms. I was humiliated and ashamed. The only way I could claim some dignity from being “rejected” was to finally be honest with the Board of Psychology about what had happened to me in therapy and the behavior I had always known was a violation of its code of ethics and regulations.
I had so much evidence documenting the claims I made in my initial written complaint and during the phone call interview with the investigator, hours of recorded sessions, voicemails, hundreds of pages of emails, and handwritten notes (both encounter and personal) from my former therapist. In retrospect, I realize I probably provided too much information because it slowed the entire process down as it all was carefully reviewed on multiple occasions.
I’m so sorry. That’s all that I can think about right now. I want to apologize to everyone involved in this case, especially the staff at VDHP.
I now know I delayed the process by providing additional evidence in 2021 and 2022, but after a year, then two, had gone by without any resolution. I felt compelled to do something to try to alleviate my anxiety and fears that the case would be dismissed. I had written about my experience and had met with my psychiatrist and felt that it was important to include that information to demonstrate the toll this ordeal had taken on me.
If someone would have told me in September 2020 that it would take over 3 years (1,175 days to be exact) for this to be resolved, would I have still filed the complaint? At one point in 2021 I was so desperate for closure I asked if I could withdraw my complaint and was informed that wasn’t possible.
There was nothing I could do to stop it, or to speed it up, but everything I did seemed to slow it down.
I know I sent a lot of emails to VDHP staff because I was frustrated by the system that didn’t allow anyone to provide information regarding an ongoing case. I know I made everyone’s job much more difficult when I asked questions or provided more documents to review. I’m so sorry. I really am. I know that I sent a “multitude of emails” and asked a lot of questions, but it was just a fraction of the incessant thoughts I had about this case. One way I deal with my anxiety is to do something. I regret that my desire to understand the process and get updates impeded their work. I wish I could personally apologize to everyone involved.
When I filed the complaint I was angry. Now that the case is settled I have empathy and perspective.
When the case went to an informal conference instead of getting settled with a consent order I took it personally. When the decision of the informal conference was appealed I took it very personally. I have a tendency to feel that when I’m hurt by something that someone does it must have been intentional and I must deserve to be in pain. I realize now that my feelings are probably not even on the radar for most people, especially someone acting to protect themselves.
An appeal of the initial order from the informal conference was filed in April so he could retire in June without having to comply with the terms of the probation imposed on his license. Maybe he thought the whole thing would just go away. I knew it wouldn’t because I had asked the question over the years at various stages in the investigation and after the hearing, “What happens to this case if he retires?” So I know that he appealed to run out the clock because that was in his best interests. I totally get it. The fact that it also devastated me to not get closure when it was seemingly within grasp was probably inconsequential to him.
I’m actually relieved that he never had to be inconvenienced with the requirements of the 3/6/23 Order. When I first read the terms and conditions of his indefinite probation of no less than 6 months, I felt validated, but then, almost immediately, I felt intense guilt because I questioned my motives and the legitimacy of my case. What was I really trying to achieve? Did I want to protect others or to punish him? I thought about Schadenfreude. “Your motives do not have to be PURE, even though you think so,” he emailed me after introducing me to that term in 2014.
I don’t want any pleasure in any misfortune caused by the settlement of this case.
Peter Gabriel’s song, “Live and Let Live” is my mantra right now:
“When we forgive we can move on.”
As soon as I start to blame myself for everything that happened during therapy and with the VDHP complaint, I need to remind myself the person I really need to forgive is ME. The truth is that I had forgiven my therapist for all the incidents referenced in the order except for the final one or I wouldn’t have kept returning again and again. That’s why I’m still so conflicted. I never wanted to take the action to formally complain because I still wanted the option to continue the therapeutic relationship if necessary. So if I filed the complaint only after he denied me a virtual appointment does that make my motives impure?
I need to accept that I’ll never have the conversation I so desperately wanted before I filed the complaint. What was so wrong with me? What exactly did I say in my email that made him think I deserved such an unprofessional and flippant two-word response when I was in my most vulnerable state, especially after everything we’d been through together over so many years?
I concealed so much about what happened to me in therapy from the people closest to me so I’m satisfied the outcome is a document that outlines findings of facts and conclusions of law. It’s long past the time for me to walk away without the burden of blaming myself for my transference and his countertransference.
Thank you to the staff of the Virginia Department of Health Professions and the Virginia Board of Psychology for all the time spent investigating and litigating this case. I am eternally grateful that my complaint wasn’t dismissed and there was resolution.
Thank you for hearing me.
Three years ago after I stopped sobbing, I felt like screaming "Fuck You" in response to "I'll pass" ... but instead I filed a complaint. Today, if I only had two words to share with my former therapist they might be "Thank you".
It’s been a journey, but I actually like the person I am today. I would never know how strong and brave I am if not for this experience. I’d like to think I have helped others by sharing my story now. I have guilt for not doing it sooner, but I hope I can make amends in the future.
I’m so grateful for closure, but I never imagined or wanted it to end this way. I’ve taken every action possible to let go of the pain as well as to appreciate the good..
You helped me and you harmed me.
I will not negate or favor one over the other because both are true.
Timeline of Public Documents
- November 9, 2022: Notice
- March 6, 2023: Order following Informal Conference (vacated due to appeal)
- November 2, 2023: Notice
- November 22, 2023: Consent Order (in lieu of Formal Hearing)
Resources
8 Signs of a Bad Therapist: When You Should Move On
Ten Signs Your Therapist is Abusing You: What to Look For
Warning Signs Of An Abusive Counselor
- “In Treatment”: Therapeutic Boundaries & Ethical Issues in the 2nd HBO TV Series
- In Treatment depicts a realistic end of a patient-therapist relationship
- In Treatment: Gina
- In Treatment recap: Adele proves her skill
- To Cross Or Not To Cross: Do Boundaries In Therapy Protect Or Harm?
- Is a therapist allowed to do that?
- In Treatment Is Great T.V. But Terrible Psychotherapy
“Boundary violations” on In Treatment make it entertaining but wrong - Shame by Robert Karen
- Gaslighting your clients: Just stop!
- 5 Signs of Narcissistic Therapists (The Ultimate Covert Wolves In Sheep’s Clothing)
1) They violate boundaries.
2) They lack empathy for your pain and engage in victim-blaming and shaming.
3) They join forces with your abuser in gaslighting and pathologizing you.
4) They isolate you from outside support.
5) They are haughty, condescending, and contemptuous. - All The Times I Should Have Left My Terrible Therapist
8 Signs of a Bad Therapist: When You Should Move On
- Your Therapist Is Unreliable
- Your Therapist Is Unethical
- Your Therapist Is Judgmental
- Your Therapist Is a Bigot
- Your Therapist Just Doesn’t Get You
- Your Therapist Can’t Help You
- Your Therapist Is Pushy
- Your Therapist Is Too Passive
Ten Signs Your Therapist is Abusing You: What to Look For
- Talking to you about their other clients, or sharing your information with other people you have not authorized to receive it.
- Commenting excessively on your physical appearance, especially in a sexual manner.
- Asking you to meet outside of the office.
- Texting, calling, or emailing you for reasons other than to schedule an appointment or engage in scheduled “teletherapy,” or asking to connect with you on social media.
- Confiding about their personal life to you, especially details about their sex life.
- Saying things to you that are shaming, humiliating, or degrading, or becoming angry at you.
- Telling you, or making you feel, that they are the only person who can help you.
- Pressuring you to do things that make you uncomfortable and that do not seem designed to help you become stronger and more independent.
- Encouraging you to harm yourself, or failing to respond to your statement that you feel suicidal or inclined to hurt yourself.
- Requesting financial help (other than your regular payments for therapy) or other favors from you.
Warning Signs Of An Abusive Counselor
- Shame, Blame, Degradation Or Humiliation
- Talking About Other Clients
- A Lack Of Empathy
- Adverse Impacts After Sessions
LEARN
12/29/2023
Whenever I get WORLDE in one guess, I feel like it’s a sign. I’m one of those people who switches their starting word every day based on my current mood or thoughts at the time I decide to play the game.
Yesterday I was thinking about the end of the year and what stood out the most as I reflected on how I feel now versus January 1, 2023. I learned a lot of new information about a situation that has preoccupied my mind for years. I learned so much about myself with the final resolution of that conflict. And, I have started planning 2024 with new opportunities to learn by signing up for a couple of writing groups so I can hopefully take my experience and create something that could help others and myself. So I typed in LEARN on my Wordle board and it was all green. YES!
One of the greatest gifts I received this year was meeting someone who shared a similar experience with me. Our relationship started with a “Thank you” from her to me, but I want to end this year by publicly thanking her as well.
I am not alone.
When the attorney for the Commonwealth told me there was a “zero percent chance” based on her experience that I was the only one harmed by this therapist, I believed her. It took less than a month to have proof that she was right.
On January 8, 2022 I posted a public review on Google indicating that I filed a complaint with the VDHP because I hoped someone who could relate would reach out to me.
It worked.
I never realized how liberating it would be to finally connect with another woman who knew firsthand what I had gone through in “therapy” because she could have told the same story that I shared with the investigator. It’s heartbreaking to finally know for certain that I wasn’t alone in being hurt by this psychologist, but it’s been a huge relief to accept that there wasn’t something uniquely and inherently wrong with me that allowed it to happen.
It wasn’t ME, it was his MO.
But this post isn’t about him and the damage he inflicted on at least two people (and undoubtedly many more). It’s about how justice and public accountability in this case finally led to new and valuable connections.
Empathic and intelligent people can stay in damaging relationships for many reasons. We can rationalize. We can analyze. There’s nothing wrong with being a caring person who wants to be cared about. There’s nothing wrong with being a person who is eager to fix things or who works hard to make things right.
I am so proud of myself for having the courage to file a complaint with the Department of Health Professions and to submit a Google review with my real name. There were many moments over the past three years when I regretted my decisions and feared there would be no good outcome. I’m so relieved to know my actions have made a difference and helped others. Because I did both of these things, I was able to meet another strong and brave woman who in a very short amount of time has made a huge impact on my life. There is so much power in sharing and in listening.
I hope 2024 is a year where both of us continue to learn new ways to heal and to grow, to find purpose and to continue moving forward.
Thank you to my newest friend.
12/29/2023
Whenever I get WORLDE in one guess, I feel like it’s a sign. I’m one of those people who switches their starting word every day based on my current mood or thoughts at the time I decide to play the game.
Yesterday I was thinking about the end of the year and what stood out the most as I reflected on how I feel now versus January 1, 2023. I learned a lot of new information about a situation that has preoccupied my mind for years. I learned so much about myself with the final resolution of that conflict. And, I have started planning 2024 with new opportunities to learn by signing up for a couple of writing groups so I can hopefully take my experience and create something that could help others and myself. So I typed in LEARN on my Wordle board and it was all green. YES!
One of the greatest gifts I received this year was meeting someone who shared a similar experience with me. Our relationship started with a “Thank you” from her to me, but I want to end this year by publicly thanking her as well.
I am not alone.
When the attorney for the Commonwealth told me there was a “zero percent chance” based on her experience that I was the only one harmed by this therapist, I believed her. It took less than a month to have proof that she was right.
On January 8, 2022 I posted a public review on Google indicating that I filed a complaint with the VDHP because I hoped someone who could relate would reach out to me.
It worked.
I never realized how liberating it would be to finally connect with another woman who knew firsthand what I had gone through in “therapy” because she could have told the same story that I shared with the investigator. It’s heartbreaking to finally know for certain that I wasn’t alone in being hurt by this psychologist, but it’s been a huge relief to accept that there wasn’t something uniquely and inherently wrong with me that allowed it to happen.
It wasn’t ME, it was his MO.
But this post isn’t about him and the damage he inflicted on at least two people (and undoubtedly many more). It’s about how justice and public accountability in this case finally led to new and valuable connections.
Empathic and intelligent people can stay in damaging relationships for many reasons. We can rationalize. We can analyze. There’s nothing wrong with being a caring person who wants to be cared about. There’s nothing wrong with being a person who is eager to fix things or who works hard to make things right.
I am so proud of myself for having the courage to file a complaint with the Department of Health Professions and to submit a Google review with my real name. There were many moments over the past three years when I regretted my decisions and feared there would be no good outcome. I’m so relieved to know my actions have made a difference and helped others. Because I did both of these things, I was able to meet another strong and brave woman who in a very short amount of time has made a huge impact on my life. There is so much power in sharing and in listening.
I hope 2024 is a year where both of us continue to learn new ways to heal and to grow, to find purpose and to continue moving forward.
Thank you to my newest friend.
SAFE HOME
2/6/2024
“People get stuck in memories, whether they’re traumatic or more benignly negative. What are ways people can get unstuck? It’s very hard. You know, the training environment I was in was very down on psychoanalysis, but it always comes back to memory. A lot of that benefit is from the sharing of memories. Maybe it’s a sad memory, but I’m telling you with the goal of helping me get over it. That in and of itself changes my perspective. We know that people tailor their message for the listener. Then you reflect it back to me and reorganize it as an outsider. Once we go back and forth, we’re updating the memory to something that’s no longer my own. It’s now shared. When you tell someone, ‘You shouldn’t be ashamed,” it changes that whole relationship with the past.’”
Charan Ranganath
nytimes.com/interactive/2024/02/04/magazine/charan-ranganath-interview.html
I highly recommend “Safe Home” on Hulu. I watched it because I loved Aisha Dee in “The Bold Type”. The theme is spot on:
“There are two types of people in this world. Those who think family violence wouldnever happen to them … and those who know it could happen to anyone.”
I never experienced physical abuse, but I have been the victim of therapy abuse. I was silent about it for years, then finally filed a complaint with VA Dept of Health Professions in September 2020. I started posting about my experience on my blog in 2021 (206870), but didn’t make a public Google review warning others until 2022. In December 2023 he surrendered his right to renew license to avoid a formal hearing in which I was subpoenaed and prepared to testify.
Yesterday a post was made about my former therapist on Reddit and it included a link to the consent order. I checked it again this morning and 6 people have shared their own experiences or information about inappropriate and unprofessional behavior from friends or colleagues. 😮
I am so grateful that I had the strength and evidence to stop him from harming others. He might have told current clients he was retiring, but he failed to tell them it was a choice to avoid disciplinary action.
In February 2024 the Board unanimously agreed to put certain terms and limitations on his license. He appealed to avoid the indefinite probation of no less than 6 months which would have required him to:
I had two goals when I filed the complaint: 1) protect others 2) create a public record. Even though the consequences do seem “light”, having an official document with a finding of facts was validating for me and at least one other victim.
It’s unfortunate that because of COVID-19, staffing issues, and the extent of evidence provided that this case dragged on so long. I often wished he would have just retired when he was notified of the complaint, but he told others that he had no plans of retiring because he enjoyed what he did too much.
There’s a tendency to think that abuse (physical, emotional, financial, etc.) can’t happen to us. I’m here to say that abuse has many forms and anyone can be a victim. Too often it’s fear, shame, and guilt that keep us from speaking the truth, but if more people have the courage to expose a bully, an abuser, or a predator, we can protect and strengthen our communities.
For years I honestly believed it was “just me” who had this harmful experience in therapy and I tried to minimize the damage it caused me. Now I just wish I could apologize to anyone who I could have saved by speaking up sooner (specifically in 2008 and 2017).
I am available to anyone who wants to discuss my case in particular and/or what can’ be done to prevent therapy abuse from occurring and to support victims.
Thanks to VDHP for listening to me and for taking my complaint seriously.
Responses on Reddit from Anonymous Users:
As someone who works in the same profession, [he] was not well regarded. A number of patients experienced unethical treatment and later sought therapy from his treatment. It is my belief he has caused significant harm. There were a number of complaints filed and unfortunately the process took longer than it should have. As of today he is no longer able to practice in the state of Virginia.
Just know, you really are not the only one. I've heard about this guy from a friend of mine and he sounds really nasty.
[He] was extremely unprofessional. A therapist of mine urged me to file a complaint, but I was too anxious and just wanted to put it behind me. I deeply regret that decision.
I was referred to him a couple years ago and left messages with his office to schedule, but never heard back. Shortly afterwards someone in this subreddit said they had experience of him using misogynistic language with them, which put me off trying again. Glad now I didn’t keep trying.
Oh my God! I thought it was me! He was so misogynistic I thought I was going crazy. I left when he became sarcastic during multiple sessions.
I'm so sorry. That happened to me too.
Yeah. My friend saw him and he was describing a therapy session where this guy was really sarcastic. It was weird. Super weird.
My responses:
Thanks for sharing your experience as someone in the field.
I am Client A and I can confirm that I was not the only one who was harmed. I met another former client whose story is eerily similar to mine.
In December I had numerous conversations with the attorney for the Commonwealth to prep me for my testimony in the formal hearing. The reason this case was never dismissed and why it dragged on for over 3 years was because I had substantial evidence. The attorney told me she was “floored” and “astonished” by what she heard in the recordings I shared with her. She also told me there was a 0% chance I was the only one.
I felt that same shock and disgust when I learned that it did happen to someone else and heard the details.
It’s troubling that so many professionals in Charlottesville knew what was going on, but wouldn’t or couldn’t do anything to protect future victims. I talked to a few after filing my complaint who told me what happened didn’t surprise them and they’d heard things over the years.
I even sought help from another therapist in June 2008. He was the one who told me I had been gaslighted and that what happened to me “wasn’t right” and he’d help get me out of it, but for whatever reason he didn’t follow through with the support I needed to leave. He also never suggested I file a complaint with the psychology board. I investigated that option on my own, but didn’t have the strength to come forward. I was terrified of exposing the truth and being blamed for causing it.
I am finally sharing my story because therapy abuse is real and it can happen to anyone. Shame and guilt silences so many.
Empathic and intelligent people can stay in damaging relationships for many reasons. We rationalize. We analyze. There’s nothing wrong with being a caring person who wants to be cared about. There’s nothing wrong with being a person who is eager to fix things or who works hard to make things right.
Even if anonymous users might say negative things about me, I am proud of myself for having the courage to file a complaint with the Department of Health Professions and to submit a Google review with my real name. There were many moments over the past three years when I regretted my decisions and feared there would be no good outcome. I’m so relieved to know my actions have made a difference and helped others. Because I did both of these things, I was able to meet another strong and brave woman who in a very short amount of time has made a huge impact on my life. There is so much power in listening.
……
Once he retired the only action the Board could take was concerning his right to renew his license: either revoke or accept his voluntary surrender. After the notice for a formal hearing was issued, there were a few weeks of negotiations between his lawyers and the Commonwealth’s lawyer to reach a settlement to avoid the scheduled hearing. I was hoping for it to be canceled because although it might have been empowering to testify, it could have also been very traumatizing. After 3+ years since talking to the investigator, I just wanted my case to be finally closed.
I had two goals when I filed the complaint: 1) protect others 2) create a public record. Even though the consequences do seem “light”, having an official document with a finding of facts was validating for me and at least one other victim. If he didn’t appeal the initial order he would have had to go into therapy himself, attend an in-person CE on suicidal ideation, and enter into individual supervision of his practice indefinitely (a minimum of 6 months). It’s unfortunate that because of COVID-19, staffing issues, and the extent of evidence provided that this case dragged on so long. I often wished he would have just retired when he was notified of the complaint, but he told others that he had no plans of retiring because he enjoyed what he does too much.
I recently watched “Safe House” and this stuck with me: “There are two types of people in this world. Those who think family violence would never happen to them … and those who know it could happen to anyone.”
There’s a tendency to think that abuse (physical, emotional, financial, sexual, neglect) can’t happen to us. I’m here to say that abuse has many forms and anyone can be a victim. Too often it’s fear, shame, and guilt that keep us from speaking the truth, but if more people have the courage to expose a bully, an abuser, or a predator, we can protect and strengthen our communities.
For years I honestly believed it was “just me” who had this harmful experience in therapy and I tried to minimize the damage it caused me. Now I just wish I could apologize to anyone who I could have saved by speaking up sooner (specifically in 2008 and 2017).
……
5 Signs of Narcissistic Therapists (The Ultimate Covert Wolves In Sheep’s Clothing)
2/6/2024
“People get stuck in memories, whether they’re traumatic or more benignly negative. What are ways people can get unstuck? It’s very hard. You know, the training environment I was in was very down on psychoanalysis, but it always comes back to memory. A lot of that benefit is from the sharing of memories. Maybe it’s a sad memory, but I’m telling you with the goal of helping me get over it. That in and of itself changes my perspective. We know that people tailor their message for the listener. Then you reflect it back to me and reorganize it as an outsider. Once we go back and forth, we’re updating the memory to something that’s no longer my own. It’s now shared. When you tell someone, ‘You shouldn’t be ashamed,” it changes that whole relationship with the past.’”
Charan Ranganath
nytimes.com/interactive/2024/02/04/magazine/charan-ranganath-interview.html
I highly recommend “Safe Home” on Hulu. I watched it because I loved Aisha Dee in “The Bold Type”. The theme is spot on:
“There are two types of people in this world. Those who think family violence wouldnever happen to them … and those who know it could happen to anyone.”
I never experienced physical abuse, but I have been the victim of therapy abuse. I was silent about it for years, then finally filed a complaint with VA Dept of Health Professions in September 2020. I started posting about my experience on my blog in 2021 (206870), but didn’t make a public Google review warning others until 2022. In December 2023 he surrendered his right to renew license to avoid a formal hearing in which I was subpoenaed and prepared to testify.
Yesterday a post was made about my former therapist on Reddit and it included a link to the consent order. I checked it again this morning and 6 people have shared their own experiences or information about inappropriate and unprofessional behavior from friends or colleagues. 😮
I am so grateful that I had the strength and evidence to stop him from harming others. He might have told current clients he was retiring, but he failed to tell them it was a choice to avoid disciplinary action.
In February 2024 the Board unanimously agreed to put certain terms and limitations on his license. He appealed to avoid the indefinite probation of no less than 6 months which would have required him to:
- begin therapy himself,
- attend in-person CE on suicidal ideation, and
- enter into individual supervision of his practice
I had two goals when I filed the complaint: 1) protect others 2) create a public record. Even though the consequences do seem “light”, having an official document with a finding of facts was validating for me and at least one other victim.
It’s unfortunate that because of COVID-19, staffing issues, and the extent of evidence provided that this case dragged on so long. I often wished he would have just retired when he was notified of the complaint, but he told others that he had no plans of retiring because he enjoyed what he did too much.
There’s a tendency to think that abuse (physical, emotional, financial, etc.) can’t happen to us. I’m here to say that abuse has many forms and anyone can be a victim. Too often it’s fear, shame, and guilt that keep us from speaking the truth, but if more people have the courage to expose a bully, an abuser, or a predator, we can protect and strengthen our communities.
For years I honestly believed it was “just me” who had this harmful experience in therapy and I tried to minimize the damage it caused me. Now I just wish I could apologize to anyone who I could have saved by speaking up sooner (specifically in 2008 and 2017).
I am available to anyone who wants to discuss my case in particular and/or what can’ be done to prevent therapy abuse from occurring and to support victims.
Thanks to VDHP for listening to me and for taking my complaint seriously.
Responses on Reddit from Anonymous Users:
As someone who works in the same profession, [he] was not well regarded. A number of patients experienced unethical treatment and later sought therapy from his treatment. It is my belief he has caused significant harm. There were a number of complaints filed and unfortunately the process took longer than it should have. As of today he is no longer able to practice in the state of Virginia.
Just know, you really are not the only one. I've heard about this guy from a friend of mine and he sounds really nasty.
[He] was extremely unprofessional. A therapist of mine urged me to file a complaint, but I was too anxious and just wanted to put it behind me. I deeply regret that decision.
I was referred to him a couple years ago and left messages with his office to schedule, but never heard back. Shortly afterwards someone in this subreddit said they had experience of him using misogynistic language with them, which put me off trying again. Glad now I didn’t keep trying.
Oh my God! I thought it was me! He was so misogynistic I thought I was going crazy. I left when he became sarcastic during multiple sessions.
I'm so sorry. That happened to me too.
Yeah. My friend saw him and he was describing a therapy session where this guy was really sarcastic. It was weird. Super weird.
My responses:
Thanks for sharing your experience as someone in the field.
I am Client A and I can confirm that I was not the only one who was harmed. I met another former client whose story is eerily similar to mine.
In December I had numerous conversations with the attorney for the Commonwealth to prep me for my testimony in the formal hearing. The reason this case was never dismissed and why it dragged on for over 3 years was because I had substantial evidence. The attorney told me she was “floored” and “astonished” by what she heard in the recordings I shared with her. She also told me there was a 0% chance I was the only one.
I felt that same shock and disgust when I learned that it did happen to someone else and heard the details.
It’s troubling that so many professionals in Charlottesville knew what was going on, but wouldn’t or couldn’t do anything to protect future victims. I talked to a few after filing my complaint who told me what happened didn’t surprise them and they’d heard things over the years.
I even sought help from another therapist in June 2008. He was the one who told me I had been gaslighted and that what happened to me “wasn’t right” and he’d help get me out of it, but for whatever reason he didn’t follow through with the support I needed to leave. He also never suggested I file a complaint with the psychology board. I investigated that option on my own, but didn’t have the strength to come forward. I was terrified of exposing the truth and being blamed for causing it.
I am finally sharing my story because therapy abuse is real and it can happen to anyone. Shame and guilt silences so many.
Empathic and intelligent people can stay in damaging relationships for many reasons. We rationalize. We analyze. There’s nothing wrong with being a caring person who wants to be cared about. There’s nothing wrong with being a person who is eager to fix things or who works hard to make things right.
Even if anonymous users might say negative things about me, I am proud of myself for having the courage to file a complaint with the Department of Health Professions and to submit a Google review with my real name. There were many moments over the past three years when I regretted my decisions and feared there would be no good outcome. I’m so relieved to know my actions have made a difference and helped others. Because I did both of these things, I was able to meet another strong and brave woman who in a very short amount of time has made a huge impact on my life. There is so much power in listening.
……
Once he retired the only action the Board could take was concerning his right to renew his license: either revoke or accept his voluntary surrender. After the notice for a formal hearing was issued, there were a few weeks of negotiations between his lawyers and the Commonwealth’s lawyer to reach a settlement to avoid the scheduled hearing. I was hoping for it to be canceled because although it might have been empowering to testify, it could have also been very traumatizing. After 3+ years since talking to the investigator, I just wanted my case to be finally closed.
I had two goals when I filed the complaint: 1) protect others 2) create a public record. Even though the consequences do seem “light”, having an official document with a finding of facts was validating for me and at least one other victim. If he didn’t appeal the initial order he would have had to go into therapy himself, attend an in-person CE on suicidal ideation, and enter into individual supervision of his practice indefinitely (a minimum of 6 months). It’s unfortunate that because of COVID-19, staffing issues, and the extent of evidence provided that this case dragged on so long. I often wished he would have just retired when he was notified of the complaint, but he told others that he had no plans of retiring because he enjoyed what he does too much.
I recently watched “Safe House” and this stuck with me: “There are two types of people in this world. Those who think family violence would never happen to them … and those who know it could happen to anyone.”
There’s a tendency to think that abuse (physical, emotional, financial, sexual, neglect) can’t happen to us. I’m here to say that abuse has many forms and anyone can be a victim. Too often it’s fear, shame, and guilt that keep us from speaking the truth, but if more people have the courage to expose a bully, an abuser, or a predator, we can protect and strengthen our communities.
For years I honestly believed it was “just me” who had this harmful experience in therapy and I tried to minimize the damage it caused me. Now I just wish I could apologize to anyone who I could have saved by speaking up sooner (specifically in 2008 and 2017).
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5 Signs of Narcissistic Therapists (The Ultimate Covert Wolves In Sheep’s Clothing)
- They violate boundaries.
- They lack empathy for your pain and engage in victim-blaming and shaming.
- They join forces with your abuser in gaslighting and pathologizing you.
- They isolate you from outside support.
- They are haughty, condescending, and contemptuous.
