8/6/09
Leah I hope your visit to your parents is not too stressful. It would be good sometime to process the problems you experience with your family. I sense you are trying to be more direct with me, but you still seem to hold back a great deal. I guess you think very poorly of yourself and probably expect I will feel the same – or even worse about you if you level with me. My regard for your is solid and not subject to erratic changes based on what you say or what I might feel at a given moment. Maybe over the next week you could reflect on why you don’t let me in. Your not trusting me (or yourself) is an obstacle which we need to overcome. I am still very committed to doing so; I wish you were too. Have a good week.
10/8/08 – Leah – Please consider the strong possibility that you cannot control all the things that you feel so responsible for. When things go wrong or feel bad you are not solely to blame. Between us the responsibility is shared needs to be open for discussion, exploration, deconstruction. I understand that you are vulnerable - not only to me - but to your excessive sense of responsibility. If I could magically change anything for you it would be this burden you carry that so much is your fault. If we can whittle away at this you could feel more freedom and not get so caught up in your doubts and shame. Obviously you are not helpless but there seems to be a sense of proportion missing here. At the risk of sounding hackneyed I like the AA Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the strength to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." As for myself (as I mentioned to you), I need to stop interrupting your flow which keeps you from getting started sometimes. So please do not give up on you me or what we're doing here. You know I wondered why Sophie made you annoyed but now I understand. I believe good therapy is a focused, disciplined kind of love - like with Paul and Sophie - not like Paul and Laura.
4/9/08 -- Leah – I’m not sure how your sense of my fondness and admiration for you gets lost – or maybe you simply do not believe it or experience it. I was and am truly happy for your running success and admire your immersion in the sport. I believe that I see and experience you more positively than you do and I am puzzled about how to deal with it. But that may be just the nature of our work and our relationship. I am impressed with your insight about managed care and how it repeats your sense of “paying too much” in other parts of your life. I had begun to put this together at our appointment this AM but got diverted as I did not wish to further hurt or antagonize you. You looked very sad and I was trying to find a way to connect with your sadness. But, your interpretation via voicemail sounds spot on. Your “closet analyst” is hard at work and very incisive. Keep it up! This is the very valuable part of you that emerges – even after a very stressful interaction with the likes of me. You are smart and insightful – and this is something I like and value about you. When you cam in the session last Friday, I thought the “nicest” thing I could do would be to help you unpack what was making you so unhappy and stressed. This is what I do – this is what I’m supposed to do. So maybe we will have a Groundhog Day kind of relationship. That may be just how it will play out. After the smoke clears it always seems like we find a way to reconnect. Maybe that could be workable. What do you think?
6/29/07 – Leah, You are becoming a runner, an athlete – not just an anorexic, a masochist or an addict. You are doing better if not always feeling better than you were last September. When you try to overcontrol and rigidly regulate yourself (I assume to contain your “bad and disgusting” qualities), you tend to be controlling with me. My guess is that the residual feelings from past betrayals are excruciating and not really metabolized or resolved. I am benign if not always useful or obviously helpful. I believe you are searching for the capacity to be gratified, but fear that this might get out of control.
2007 Leah does not deserve to be in pain and I have no interest in hurting her. Not only do I like Leah, but I admire her talents and decency, generosity and thoughtfulness. What passes for “harsh” treatment of me is only a shadow of the harshness and criticism she visits upon herself. I have made errors and shown insensitivity, which complicate our work, but these can be worked through. Leah’s attachment to me and to our work is often painful for her, but it also facilitates change and improvement.
ATTACHMENTS DEEPLY FELT ARE COMPLEX – NOT NECESSARILY PROOF OF MY OWN MASOCHISM/SADISM OR SOMEONE ELSE’ S SADISM/MASOCHISM.
I AM NOT DISGUSTING, WORTHLESS AND PATHETIC. THIS IS MY FALSE SELF TALKING. THIS IS THE RESULT OF MY LOW SELF ESTEEM, SUPEREGO AND PERFECTIONISM.
I MUST GET BEYOND THIS OLD BUSINESS AND SEE MYSELF BETTER, MORE CLEARLY.
JUST BECAUSE I THINK AND DO THINGS TOO BAD TO SHARE DOES NO MEAN OTHERS ARE PLANNING BAD THINGS FOR ME, OR ARE EQUALLY SECRETIVE.
“NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION” – MONTY PYTHON
I MUST RESIGN NOT TO BE INQUISITOR TO MYSELF AND OTHERS.
FINDING CLUES AND EVIDENCE TO ROOT OUT EVIL MAY HAVE HELPED SHERLOCK HOLMES, BUT I MUST ALSO DEVELOP A FEEL FOR OTHERS AND LEARN TO TRUST MY EMOTIONS.
I MUST NOT MISS THE FOREST FOR THE TREES.
Leah I hope your visit to your parents is not too stressful. It would be good sometime to process the problems you experience with your family. I sense you are trying to be more direct with me, but you still seem to hold back a great deal. I guess you think very poorly of yourself and probably expect I will feel the same – or even worse about you if you level with me. My regard for your is solid and not subject to erratic changes based on what you say or what I might feel at a given moment. Maybe over the next week you could reflect on why you don’t let me in. Your not trusting me (or yourself) is an obstacle which we need to overcome. I am still very committed to doing so; I wish you were too. Have a good week.
10/8/08 – Leah – Please consider the strong possibility that you cannot control all the things that you feel so responsible for. When things go wrong or feel bad you are not solely to blame. Between us the responsibility is shared needs to be open for discussion, exploration, deconstruction. I understand that you are vulnerable - not only to me - but to your excessive sense of responsibility. If I could magically change anything for you it would be this burden you carry that so much is your fault. If we can whittle away at this you could feel more freedom and not get so caught up in your doubts and shame. Obviously you are not helpless but there seems to be a sense of proportion missing here. At the risk of sounding hackneyed I like the AA Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the strength to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." As for myself (as I mentioned to you), I need to stop interrupting your flow which keeps you from getting started sometimes. So please do not give up on you me or what we're doing here. You know I wondered why Sophie made you annoyed but now I understand. I believe good therapy is a focused, disciplined kind of love - like with Paul and Sophie - not like Paul and Laura.
4/9/08 -- Leah – I’m not sure how your sense of my fondness and admiration for you gets lost – or maybe you simply do not believe it or experience it. I was and am truly happy for your running success and admire your immersion in the sport. I believe that I see and experience you more positively than you do and I am puzzled about how to deal with it. But that may be just the nature of our work and our relationship. I am impressed with your insight about managed care and how it repeats your sense of “paying too much” in other parts of your life. I had begun to put this together at our appointment this AM but got diverted as I did not wish to further hurt or antagonize you. You looked very sad and I was trying to find a way to connect with your sadness. But, your interpretation via voicemail sounds spot on. Your “closet analyst” is hard at work and very incisive. Keep it up! This is the very valuable part of you that emerges – even after a very stressful interaction with the likes of me. You are smart and insightful – and this is something I like and value about you. When you cam in the session last Friday, I thought the “nicest” thing I could do would be to help you unpack what was making you so unhappy and stressed. This is what I do – this is what I’m supposed to do. So maybe we will have a Groundhog Day kind of relationship. That may be just how it will play out. After the smoke clears it always seems like we find a way to reconnect. Maybe that could be workable. What do you think?
6/29/07 – Leah, You are becoming a runner, an athlete – not just an anorexic, a masochist or an addict. You are doing better if not always feeling better than you were last September. When you try to overcontrol and rigidly regulate yourself (I assume to contain your “bad and disgusting” qualities), you tend to be controlling with me. My guess is that the residual feelings from past betrayals are excruciating and not really metabolized or resolved. I am benign if not always useful or obviously helpful. I believe you are searching for the capacity to be gratified, but fear that this might get out of control.
2007 Leah does not deserve to be in pain and I have no interest in hurting her. Not only do I like Leah, but I admire her talents and decency, generosity and thoughtfulness. What passes for “harsh” treatment of me is only a shadow of the harshness and criticism she visits upon herself. I have made errors and shown insensitivity, which complicate our work, but these can be worked through. Leah’s attachment to me and to our work is often painful for her, but it also facilitates change and improvement.
ATTACHMENTS DEEPLY FELT ARE COMPLEX – NOT NECESSARILY PROOF OF MY OWN MASOCHISM/SADISM OR SOMEONE ELSE’ S SADISM/MASOCHISM.
I AM NOT DISGUSTING, WORTHLESS AND PATHETIC. THIS IS MY FALSE SELF TALKING. THIS IS THE RESULT OF MY LOW SELF ESTEEM, SUPEREGO AND PERFECTIONISM.
I MUST GET BEYOND THIS OLD BUSINESS AND SEE MYSELF BETTER, MORE CLEARLY.
JUST BECAUSE I THINK AND DO THINGS TOO BAD TO SHARE DOES NO MEAN OTHERS ARE PLANNING BAD THINGS FOR ME, OR ARE EQUALLY SECRETIVE.
“NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION” – MONTY PYTHON
I MUST RESIGN NOT TO BE INQUISITOR TO MYSELF AND OTHERS.
FINDING CLUES AND EVIDENCE TO ROOT OUT EVIL MAY HAVE HELPED SHERLOCK HOLMES, BUT I MUST ALSO DEVELOP A FEEL FOR OTHERS AND LEARN TO TRUST MY EMOTIONS.
I MUST NOT MISS THE FOREST FOR THE TREES.